We Gonna Party Like It's Your Birthday

So my teen is having a birthday in a few days and I've been running around buying her stuff and hiding it...keeping the smaller kids from finding it etc. I'm sitting here trying to figure out time to wrap all her crap up when it hit me....this is fucking bullshit...why am I giving this kid gifts??? What the hell did she do??? She's on this earth because I did something....why am I not getting the gifts???? I carried her for 9 months....heartburn....sore back....stretch marks only to deliver her in 20 min...and in that 20 minuets not only did I experience the most god awful pain the universe has to offer but I ruined my beautiful vagina....why am I giving her gifts for that???? That girl is only alive because I am waiting for her to get knocked up (someday like 38 years from now) so she can cry to me how her boobs hurt and she's gassy....hahahhahahahahahahahahaha that's right fucker....now you know....so until that day I think she should give ME presents on her birthday...to thank me for not sticking her in the recycle bin.
Well....we all know that is never going to happen....and knowing her...she will adopt so she won't ruin her figure....so in the mean time I gotta run to Target and get wrapping paper....that she won't notice or realize I put time, thought and money into untill the glorious day she has kids....I can't fucking wait. Peace Out!