Midnight Snack

As a tired mom...no nothing has changed there. Still a mom and still tired. Now to up the ante I now have a diabetic. Just a few short months ago my middle child...was diagnosed with T1D. I'm sure you will see more posts regarding that. For the sake of this one...it means waking up at 2am to check her blood....praying that there aren't corrections to be made....that she's all good and we can sleep. Some nights we are not so fortunate...like last night. I check her...she's low....I give her juice and crackers- while this is all going on the cat, Big Fluff decides he is going to weave around my ankles and push into me. No not to show me love or support....I know him all to well...it's to let me know he wants food. I need to wait 15 min to recheck my T1 Diva so I go and inspect his food....he literally prances along next to me with excitement.- His bowl is "empty" ....not like there is nothing in it....like he took 5 whole morsels out of one side and has determined that it is now empty. Really?? Okay...fine I will feed you....mostly so that you will leave me alone when I go back to poke at my kiddo again. Here's where shit gets real. He sees me going for the bag...and he stretches his neck up real high like he's seeing God or something and is in pure amazement.....he hears me digging with the cup and he drops to the floor... BAM!!...drag queen death drop style. As I walk back to the food dish he starts rolling around like a stripper on the stage of seedy truck stop strip club and it's the day before rent is due....legs all stretched out and up in the air. Are you kidding me?....Have some class Fluff. As I get closer you can actually hear him start to purr....what a little food slut....and as I go to pour the food into his dish....WHACK!!!! He headbutts my hand the food falls out all over the place!!!!! Annoyed and tired I yell at him.... "FASSHOLE!" ....yep fasshole.... I friggen combined the words...Fat Asshole...not on purpose ..which really kinda pissed me off. Not only was your dish not anywhere near empty yet you pretend to love me for food....you charm your way into getting me to feed you at 2am ..you roll around like Craigslist hooker and then you have the balls to knock the shit out of my hand so you can start to gobble down your meow mix like those weirdos at the Nathan's hotdog eating contests....I'm so annoyed that I can't even speak words.....FASSHOLE! I wanted to rub his head in his food and ask him....Is this what you like??? But it seemed a little much and sorta pervy. I contemplated a drink but I had to get up in 3 hours and still have a kid to tend to....so Like A Boss...I cleaned up the spilled meow mix and told him I liked Dita better (our other asshole cat)....showed him right? Sigh. I know by design I'm supposed to be cat lady...but sometimes I really hate them. BTW....an hour later my Darling Diabetic finally was stable enough for me to go back to sleep.....where I laid there listening to my FASSHOLE cat snore and plotted my revenge.....Unicorn Costume! Mwahahahaha! Peace Out.

Counting Sheep...Sort Of

Don't you hate when you can't fall asleep and the weirdest, random shit pops up in your head? Does this even happen to anyone else or is it just me with some form of Adult ADHD?? Anyways...I was tired...like balls tired but could not fall asleep and all of a sudden I was like, I haven't seen my cupcake maker...I wonder where it is. Then my thoughts just spiraled all over the place.... Why haven't I seen my cupcake maker? Did it make the move? (I hear a big truck outside) Oh fuck I bet my cupcake maker is a transformer! It would have to be a girl one because it's pink. There is only one girl transformer right??? I will Google it in the morning. That's so sexist... Michael Bay is going to get a Tweet from me bout it! Wait did Michael Bay even do those movies...is that even his name? I will IMDB it in the morning too. Fuck I'm so hungry...I want a peanut butter sandwich. Not going in the kitchen....other shit might be transformers too. I wonder what other appliances are...I hope it's not the toaster oven..that would freak me out. I bet my stupid phone is a transformer too and that's why I can't find that fucker from time to time. Oh my god, If my phone is a transformer I will never be president...all my FB updates, tweets, texts, emails....it thinks I'm a perv! I still really want a sandwich. Too tired to brave the kitchen. I wish I had a cat.... Why was the only girl transformer such a whore??? I bet my cupcake maker is out whoring around too... Where do transformers go to party? (I hear a sound...don't be the kids...don't be the kids...shit I better go check....no idea) Damn...while I was up I should have made a sandwich. I bet my phone when it transforms hides my flip flops on me....fucker. My flat iron obviously is the worst transformer ever....it can hardly heat up anymore...POS. I need to shave my legs. Whoa...how scary would it be if my EpiLady was a transformer??? Why am I even thinking about transformers? Oh...yea..Signs was on earlier.....I think I could maybe handle aliens if they were transformers. They don't seem like they are interested in butt rape. I think it would be cool if those Barbie Jeeps were transformers and then beat the crap out of bullies. Mac and cheese sounds good. And then I fell asleep. I think I should have just had a glass of wine and watched Pitch Perfect again. Peace Out.

Till Death Or Your Snoring Do Us Part...

Anyone else have odd sleep habits???? I do...some I have had forever and some were developed over time....I have always liked to sleep with my head at the foot of the bed...no idea why but I prefer it....and it never was a problem until I married my first husband...that's when my sleep life went straight to hell in a hand basket. Not only did I realize that my sleeping the wrong direction was probably no longer but to my horror I had to share my sleep space....years and years of spacious mattress bliss now ruined by this asshole wanting to spoon with me....no good....to top it off he kept trying to keep his arm on me...wtf....I don't want your dead weight laying across my abdomen...I can't sleep like this....finally I just told him it made me overheat and to knock it the fuck off....but still another even worse problem came about....the a-hole insisted on facing me....must be some sort of horrible momma's boy syndrome...and when he did....the exhale air from his stupid ugly nose would fucking blow on my face!!!!! Oh my god...this just grossed me out and also kept me awake...it was then that I knew why the couples in TV shows from the 50's slept in separate beds...it was because they were flippen brilliant!!!! The air thing bothered me so much that I started sleeping with the blanket over my head....and I would eventually squirrel my way down to the foot of the bed where I was happy and no longer bothered in the night....needless to say that marriage didn't last long...not just because of that but it was one of his pet peeves with me...that and the fact that I can add....and form opinions of my own.
Anyways a few years go by and I'm back to sleeping by myself....and I loved it...then I met my second husband...and my sleep life came crashing down again....not only did this guy do all the same shit but to top it off he snored...not just a regular snore that you hear for a minuet then you fall asleep....nooooo....it was a snore that was so god damn loud it could crack the semi-gloss on the walls....and of course the taintface never would see a doctor about it and eventually that marriage went down in flames as well....not just because of that but...I won't lie...for me it was a huge issue...I even kicked him out of the bedroom for it...and instead of trying to fix it...well...that's an entirely different blog post....so...there I am...alone again...and thrilled to have my bed back to myself....but alas...I for some reason I just keep finding husbands and soon number three came along....this time I laid it all out on the line...right from the get go...I told him...don't touch me when I sleep...I sleep screwed up and I will not spoon you...and for some reason he stuck around....however he likes to tease me about it and if he were not so awesome in the sex department I would be pissed...but for the most part he's been awesome about my nightly weirdness...and since I finally married someone taller then me the nose air thing is a non issue....and every once in awhile I even keep my head up by his....mostly because sometimes he has this like restless leg thing and he kicks me in the face....asshole...but I'm not perfect either...I so know that I fart like a water buffalo in my sleep....and I still like having the blanket over my face (not after the whole farting thing...I do surface for that)....it's been so long now that I can't stand breathing cold air when I sleep...fricken odd right????....but I have not shoved my hubby out of the sack yet....which is probably why I keep getting knocked up...well...better go...gotta make sure my pillow is just right and that my night light is plugged in...no I'm not scared of the dark...I just always stub my baby toe when I wake up to take a piss in the middle of the night....sweet dreams and Peace out!