Midnight Snack

As a tired mom...no nothing has changed there. Still a mom and still tired. Now to up the ante I now have a diabetic. Just a few short months ago my middle child...was diagnosed with T1D. I'm sure you will see more posts regarding that. For the sake of this one...it means waking up at 2am to check her blood....praying that there aren't corrections to be made....that she's all good and we can sleep. Some nights we are not so fortunate...like last night. I check her...she's low....I give her juice and crackers- while this is all going on the cat, Big Fluff decides he is going to weave around my ankles and push into me. No not to show me love or support....I know him all to well...it's to let me know he wants food. I need to wait 15 min to recheck my T1 Diva so I go and inspect his food....he literally prances along next to me with excitement.- His bowl is "empty" ....not like there is nothing in it....like he took 5 whole morsels out of one side and has determined that it is now empty. Really?? Okay...fine I will feed you....mostly so that you will leave me alone when I go back to poke at my kiddo again. Here's where shit gets real. He sees me going for the bag...and he stretches his neck up real high like he's seeing God or something and is in pure amazement.....he hears me digging with the cup and he drops to the floor... BAM!!...drag queen death drop style. As I walk back to the food dish he starts rolling around like a stripper on the stage of seedy truck stop strip club and it's the day before rent is due....legs all stretched out and up in the air. Are you kidding me?....Have some class Fluff. As I get closer you can actually hear him start to purr....what a little food slut....and as I go to pour the food into his dish....WHACK!!!! He headbutts my hand the food falls out all over the place!!!!! Annoyed and tired I yell at him.... "FASSHOLE!" ....yep fasshole.... I friggen combined the words...Fat Asshole...not on purpose ..which really kinda pissed me off. Not only was your dish not anywhere near empty yet you pretend to love me for food....you charm your way into getting me to feed you at 2am ..you roll around like Craigslist hooker and then you have the balls to knock the shit out of my hand so you can start to gobble down your meow mix like those weirdos at the Nathan's hotdog eating contests....I'm so annoyed that I can't even speak words.....FASSHOLE! I wanted to rub his head in his food and ask him....Is this what you like??? But it seemed a little much and sorta pervy. I contemplated a drink but I had to get up in 3 hours and still have a kid to tend to....so Like A Boss...I cleaned up the spilled meow mix and told him I liked Dita better (our other asshole cat)....showed him right? Sigh. I know by design I'm supposed to be cat lady...but sometimes I really hate them. BTW....an hour later my Darling Diabetic finally was stable enough for me to go back to sleep.....where I laid there listening to my FASSHOLE cat snore and plotted my revenge.....Unicorn Costume! Mwahahahaha! Peace Out.

Old, Fat & Distracted

Yes...I have been gone awhile....my bad. I want to be a cat...a house cat...not a lion or cougar (well maybe a cougar in the terms of having a fine young hottie..nah...young people piss me off...nevermind) When you're a cat it's ok to be just ridiculously fat...people LOVE a big rolly polly cat. The chunkier the better. You get to lounge around the house all day just fat as hell and lazy... people think it's the best thing ever. BUT if you are a human and obese they hate you and tell you to go away. #nofatties Also if you are a voluptuous cat you don't have to wear clothes...fat girls gotta cover up or people are all....GROSS!!! Cover up your cankles!!!! (BTW I may have a bit of a cankle but my ass is amazing....) I think maybe I should find a BBW worshiper with an animal fetish...it's called Plushy Love or something....I could put on ears and a tail...we could play one of those fantasy scenes where he saves me from the pound, brings me home, puts me on the bed... he starts scratching my belly.... Sorry that's as far as my fantasy gets...not because I can't get kinky....HELLO...middle aged lady here....I am in my prime!!! I just have very undocumented yet wildly witnessed ADHD..so right when I get to the good stuff I'm all like....I should totally look up cat costumes on Pinterest!!!!! Then I get to the PC and decide to check FB first...only to start scrolling down and see all the skinny girls from high school posting marathon pics and talking about yoga...so I get all depressed and find a cupcake. (crackheads are stupid...cupcakes are totally the best high ever) After the cupcake I grab a glass of wine and sit on my sad little exercise bike and listen to some Robin Thicke (who would never fuck a fat girl)....tears run down my face while I hate myself and chug my cheap wine. Then Nicki Minage hits the Pandora and bam...I have hope.....She has a huge ass and is wickedly loved ....I start picking up the pace & ride that little bike like it's Adam Levine (before he had blonde hair)......I feel amazing...there is hope!!! Half hour later I'm all laying on the floor in a puddle of sweat, crying for another cupcake and wishing I was a cat :( FML Peace Out

Period Preparedness

Alright fellas.....if y'all have a wife or girlfriend...friend with benefits...you obviously will find from time to time (like one week a month...duh) her box of tampons sitting out on the bathroom counter. This means more than just a week of masturbation for you.....I'm going to break it down for you so that you can survive the 5-7 days of red river rapids. The 10 Things Men Should Know When The Tampon Box Is On The Bathroom Counter: 1. You are not funny....it is not ok to crack a joke of any sort....especially about her. Don't go there....this will end in one of two ways....you will send her into a tear filled depression only to be fixed by watching The Notebook over and over again OR you will get stabbed in the face. So save your "funny" shit for Twitter. 2. You should bring home chocolate. 3. Your new favorite phrase is: Damn Baby, you look so skinny! Any other compliment will backfire and will end in the same one of two ways as #1. 4. There is nothing wrong with finding her on the living room floor with 3 bottles of wine...she may not even have a glass....just smile and say the phrase from #3. Any other approach will end in the same one of two ways from #1. 5. You should bring home more chocolate. 6. Your new favorite movie is Twilight. You may even want to watch it for the the next 5-7 days because it's the most epic love story of our time....and then as you press play on the Blu Ray player you say the phrase from #3 and smile. 7. Sweat pants are sexy....she looks amazing in them....you are going to buy her more because they look so good. Then you say the phrase from #3. 8. You should buy some more chocolate. 9. You are stupid....let's face it....just about everything you say is going to be wrong....just remember these words: You're right Baby. I'm so sorry... Any other version will end in the same one of two ways as #1. 10. Get more chocolate and as you hand it to her say the phrase from #3. Good luck....hope you don't get stabbed. Unless you are an insensitive douche face...then you deserve it. Peace Out.

22 Positions In A One Night Stand

So...in a half drunk channel flipping evening I had over the weekend I saw something (I think) about someone getting 3 wishes but they only lasted 24 hours. I got to thinking about what I would do. I thought of several things....my first husband being covered in red ants, having my high school nemesis covered in hair, The Kardasians plagued with flesh eating bacteria....etc etc etc....but none of those really made me feel exceptionally happy....perhaps a bit delighted but not truly happy. After tons of thought I have my 3 wishes. 1. That all of my family and friends have one day of total bliss. No toe stubbing, all green lights, no financial worries etc etc etc. If only for one day I want all my loved ones to have just a phenomenal time. 2. I want anyone who hurts children to pass very large kidney stones. 3. I want to have a penis and balls. That's right....I NEED to know what it's like. I want to pee standing up wherever I want....outside, in a plant, off a bridge etc... I want to know what it feels like to "free ball", what it feels like to do jumping jacks with a dick swinging. I know how I feel when I get turned on but I can't even guess what it's like to have an erection...it's fascinating to me. Plus...think of all the inside info I could get....I would finally figure out how to give a decent hand job! I defiantly want to have sex with it....but I think it would be hard to find someone who will let me....after all...I only wished for a penis and balls...which means I still look like me. Kinda hard to find someone who will let me poke them. I would ask one of my friends but that would seriously change our relationship.....but come one.....I finally have a chance to feel what the big deal is...what millions of men have begged for, songs have been written about and wars have been fought over...ok maybe not but still the vagina has caused some epic issues. If I could experience the honey hole as a dude I most definitely would. But mostly I just want to walk around in a towel and then swing my cock around in circles...men always seem to do that....I don't understand why...it looks really stupid but since it's something they all do...I must try it. I'm sure there are several bad things that I would experience while having a penis....getting it caught in my zipper, squishing my balls and premature ejaculation but that would be helpful too....maybe be I could be more empathetic to male issues.....BWAHAHAHAHAHA....ok probably not....I'm sure I would just use that info for evil purposes..but hey I already used one of my wishes for something good....my sweet side has it's limits. So....to all my lady friends out there....if I somehow manage to find a genie to grant me my three wishes and I get my penis for a day and you find it in your heart to let me fuck you....I will totally not be wearing a condom.....they say bareback is the way to ride!!!! Peace out!

Sadistic Game Of Twister...Or Just Grooming?

Women do stupid things to make themselves feel pretty.....I am a woman and I do stupid shit all the time....I pay money to get my hair a certain color, I get tattoos, I squeeze my feet into pointy, ill fitting high heels, I wear uncomfortable bras to make me look like my boobs don't hang at my hips and now my most stupid attempt to feel amazing was having my vagina waxed. Yep....I paid some chick to rip the hair out of my girl parts. What the fuck?????? Why not just trim it??? Several reasons....you have 2 small children, 3 cats and a dog run in and out of the bathroom while trying to clean up your lady parts and tell me if you can do a great job.....or much less be as clumsy as I am and not take a chunk out (ouch).....plus...it feels all prickly within days and then when I take my panties down it's like peeling a cactus off of a sheep. So...yea a Brazilian sounded like a great idea. Till I got to the salon......where I was greeted by a tiny, young gorgeous lady...yea....like I want her to see my wounded underworld....I've had 3 large babies...it's not exactly the Garden Of Eden down there. Oh well...I drop my bottoms and get on the table....she asks me what I want....meaning bald eagle, Bermuda triangle or a landing strip....I went for the landing strip...the thought of looking like a 7 year old down there made me feel creepy. On goes the wax....it was warm and almost comforting...till she ripped the cloth of death off my coo coo and I yelled some sort of obscenity and tried to punch her. Luckily she jumped out of the way....at least I knew what to expect the rest of the time....or so I thought. Ok...so.....we get the top part done....then she tells me to grab my knees and pull them up to my head. Um....could you buy me dinner first????? What the fuck is this....birthing class?!?! But I had already done this much...what the heck right? So I do...and thank sweet Jesus she was quick....I screamed like a little bitch :( but it was done and over with.....I got up and started putting my stuff on...when she asked if I wanted my....um....back door area done....I told her FUCK NO....and continued putting my clothes on. You know what really annoyed me??? The tranquil music playing in the background...stop trying to lull me into a calm state....you can not be relaxed for something like this....you need to amped up and prepared...it's like when you get shot in the woods and you need to slam a half a bottle of whiskey and bite down on a tree branch while your friend digs the fucking bullet out.....play me some Nine Inch Nails and hand me some tequila god damn it!!! Will I go back in six weeks to have it done again????? HELL YES I WILL....when I got home and saw my gorgeous vagina it was sooooo worth it....next time I will be drunk...so I will need a sober cab....cuz I'm gonna suck down a few rum and cokes but pretty pink parts is way worth it!

Working It....

So....I haven't blogged in awhile....to be honest I feel like I've lost my edge. I'm not saying I'm not creative....I have several irons in the fire right now....new projects I've never done before that I hope will be just fucking fantastic....but y'all will have to wait to see them....or hear about how I totally crashed and burned...either way...it should be epic. Anyhoo......currently I'm on an exercise kick....don't roll your eyes...I know several of my posts are diet related etc and I end up just going back to my old ways....however....have you ever known me to get my ass off the couch and workout??? Yea....for real...I do it... like all the time....it's my new addiction.....I can't go a day without. I can be tired, in pain, busy etc and I will still do it. I blame my friend....he posted on his FB how he was going to start training for something and I got pissed....I don't like to be outdone by him (we have an odd rivalry thing) so the next day I bought some running shoes and bam....I was out the gate and have never looked back. Not that it's all glitter and unicorns....I've had some setbacks. I pretty much fucked up my foot (which is all better now) I worked through 2 weeks of knee pain....every time I did anything I could totally hear them yelling at me You Fat Bitch Why Are You Doing This!?!? ....then I started to freak out.....cuz I was just doing the same stuff over and over again so I got some resistance bands. I highly recommend them....but I had to learn a little control....I got a bit zealous and I'm pretty sure I broke my boob...it hurt for like 4 days!!!!! Plus I would catch myself holding it and rubbing it....which got plenty of interesting looks in Target the other day.....no big deal...it's not the worst thing I have ever done in a Target ;) This morning I decided to start working on my butt....all women want a nice booty and all men appreciate one. I looked up some things to try on the internet....I decided to try some of the stuff from the Brazilian Butt Lift program......they didn't look to bad (famous last words). Well....by the time I was done I was straight up crying and yelping out in pain.....I had no idea my booty could hurt like that. Will I do it again???? Hellz yea I will.....shedding a few tears is totally worth getting a fine ass! I keep getting asked why and how...why do you keep it up and how do you find your motivation.....Why....to be honest....I want to buy sexy new jeans.....I'm tired of being the frumpy chick who swears a lot...I want to rock some silver jeans and a slutty top and be confident ( I will still swear a lot). How...do I find the motivation.....some days it's easy...and I don't need any...some days...I need to talk to my friend...you know the one who inspired the whole thing.....he's doing great too BTW.....I have a great support system....and Pandora Radio....I can't do anything without music!!!!! I will never be skinny...to be honest...I'm not looking to be skinny...I just want to be a fairly hot soccer mom. Now if you will excuse me...I need to toss on my sports bra....I tried jumping jacks without one....it didn't go well....it was like a car accident....horrific and nothing anyone should ever witness! Peace Out!

Price Check! Oh...Hell No!

Whoever invented endcaps by the register is an asshole. It is impossible to sound like a good mom while waiting in the checkout....No don't open that, Put that down, We have candy at home....etc etc. By the time I get to the register I've lost all my patience and I'm yelling at the poor cashier....I don't give a rat's ass if it's paper or plastic just get me the fuck out of here! As the barely trained teenager is trying to hurry it up I notice my devil spawn have tossed in 5 cans of tuna into the cart and a random beach towel but I don't want to slow down the process of getting out of the shit hole that is WalMart so I just let her keep ringing the stuff up. Then you gotta do one more check to make sure the children didn't nab a lip gloss or something and then I make a mad dash for the door like the place is on fire.... Heaven forbid someone call me while I'm at the store.....I won't be in a good mood....and it won't go well. Oh, I'm sorry to hear you have gall stones....but I'm at WalMart so your problems are meaningless. I think WalMart should just start serving shots of Patron...I think I could handle the madness if I had a good buzz....plus then the kids might have a chance of getting some candy from the endcap. I would need to take a little nap in the back of my mini van before I went home....but the kids could watch a DVD so it's all good right???? Well...gotta run...we ran out of Pop Tarts (one of my specialties) and toothpaste so....It's off to the store I go. Wish me luck! Peace Out!

Chores Make Me Buggy

Well...I'm pretty sure I need to start buying lotto tickets....I need funds to pay for a maid....preferably a hot male maid that looks killer in a pair of Levis and a wife beater...why do I need this maid???? because it has been proven once AGAIN that I am not meant to do housework. The weather has been exceptional lately and so I decided to start hanging my laundry on the line again. I usually don't mind doing this....it wastes time....my neighbors think I'm sorta domestic and it gets me outside and off my usual place on the couch. So I wash a nice big load of towels....drag them up from the basement and out to the backyard....I grab my first clothespin and HOLY MOTHER FUCKER!!!! A friggen spider crawls out from the pin and across my hand! I yelled several somewhat understandable obscenities (son of a cock mun...geez a fuck....crap crap crap uh fuckball!) while running in a circle like an idiot and tossing the clothes pin into the neighbors yard.....WINNING!!!! After a few moments I regained my composure and tried it again.....yeah....um that one had a spider web in it...so did the next several...I decided to just dump the bag of pins on the ground and what looked like a million spiders (for real it was like 13 but anything over 2 is a million when talking about spiders) went scurrying away. I puked a little. Then I got myself a gin and tonic. This was not going to be my day of domestic divaness and I was all out of fucks to give for the day. Later I found the courage (pretty sure it was the cheap ass gin I'm so fond of) and picked up my pins but now....yet another chore will require booze or some form of anti psychotic. Wish me luck. Peace Out!

I will find any excuse to not do the dishes....

I like to purchase a certain brand of dish sponges....they are spongy on one side and sorta scruffy on the other...they are usually very colorful and have some hippy looking pattern on them. I was stoked when I found a 3 pack on sale......woot woot (I'm sorta cheap). I opened up my pack...put one by the dishes and the other two under the sink. I noticed that they were purple, pink and white....pretty right? Till I started to wash dishes and instead of the usual flower designs it was a pic of of three women....CREEPY! I felt awful...here I was sticking their heads under the water and smashing their faces up against my dirty dishes. I get it...it's just a sponge but it weirded me out and damn it I have 3 of them! Doing the dishes is now going to give me an ulcer... I guess I could imagine that these women on the sponges are evil and deserve the torture....terrorists or something. I can see it now I will be screaming at the sponge, Tell me what you know!! Nothing?? Fine...Into the water you go!. Why don't I just buy new ones??? I told you....I'm cheap. So till my creepy lady sponges are dead I will just be a little eccentric while doing the dishes. I'm little weird anyway... Peace Out.

Just Dance....

J is for Jazz Hands. Am I the only middle aged momma who dances in her mini van? I don't see other people rolling their windows down and jamming to Maroon 5 as hard as I do. Granted while driving I only sing but if I'm at a stoplight....I'm gonna bring it. I am pretty sure it's just cuz I'm a bad mother fucker and everyone else wants to be me....but I have been told by a few family members that I am just off my rocker. They can suck it...I have fun...and since I spend by day filling sippy cups and trying to keep crayon off the walls (which BTW is a futile task) the only time I get to bust a move is in my vehicle. I certainly am to old for clubbing...plus early 20ish people in bars annoy the hell out of me...too many OMGs and STDs roaming around. Yuck.

So....until my days in an old folks home where we can do the hokey pokey at noon right before bingo....I guess I will keep raising the roof in my mom mobile. And...until the other drivers learn how to merge correctly...I will not be keeping my spirit finger to myself ;) Well..gotta go...I need to run to Target for some PullUps...time to release my inner Lady Gaga. Peace Out!

D.....is for....um....wait...I know I know it...hmmm

D is Dementia. I had this whole little silly story about how I was sure I had dementia. You know the whole...I can never find my keys, I can't ever remember why I walked into a room and then blame it on the kids....yadda yadda yadda.

BUT....last night I was talking to my Aunt on the phone and I was telling her all about the A to Z Blog Challenge that I was doing and when I went to tell her what I was planning for the letter D...I blanked! I started to snicker and had to explain that my D theme had to do with not being able to remember stuff....of coarse we started laughing hysterically....and I just kept rambling on about how I had written down etc....more laughter...after several minuets it finally hit me and I screamed out DEMENTIA that's it! We continued to giggle and she teased me about how it only gets worse as you get older.

So...I can't blame that little piece of irony on the kids....maybe the boxed wine....but I only had a snort so...I guess I'm just losing my shit. Oh well....soon I won't even know it. I hope I end up in good assisted living facility....the one my great aunt was in kept calling us to tell us she escaped! WTF???? I can see it now...I will be out and about in the middle of town with nothing but a bedazzled house coat on asking people if they know who I am and if they have any wine. Wish me luck on the wine! Peace Out!

C Is For Cat Lady

C is for Cat Lady. No...I am not one...yet. Only for two reasons.....I keep getting married and I still have kids in the house. Once the children are gone and yet another husband or two have tired of me I will be all alone in some one bedroom rental somewhere with 19 cats. I guess I have three reasons....reason number three is I am super selfish...true cat ladies put the cats first...they will go with out necessities and food for themselves so that their "babies" can eat. I personally am at a stage in my life where I still enjoy things ....like toothpaste, dish soap, chicken wings, smart phones, getting my hair done and Netflix...some day that will all seem unimportant and my world will consist of cats and vodka. I would say boxed wine but I may need something with a little more kick in it to deal with urine smell and the fact that my children will never visit me.

To be honest....I am sort of looking forward to it....just me and cats chillen and having happy hour whenever we want! Well, better go.....WalMart has a sale on cat litter.....better start stocking up! Peace out!

B Is For Boxed Wine

B is for Boxed Wine. Yep...I'm a fan. I know plenty of people who won't touch the stuff but if it was so friggen awful, it wouldn't exist. I always have a box (or two) in the fridge...right next to the juice boxes. Which reminds me..the Franzia company hasn't returned my e-mail where I suggested they have a spot on the top of the box for a large straw. How rude.

I started drinking boxed wine when my recycling bin got a little to heavy for me to drag out...actually that's a big fat lie....I started drinking it because I'm cheap. I very rarely pay more than $4.00 a bottle for wine...unless I'm really craving ChocoVine (yummy)....but it was a pain in the ass to load all the those bottles in the fridge....so my hubby took a look at the boxed wine and suggested that I try it....so I did and I have been happily sucking it down ever since.

I personally think the whole idea of having wine in box is a fantastic idea....you can't knock it over and spill it. I have yet to hear of it being used as a weapon....but I have seen someone take a bottle to someones head...ouch. Oh and when it's empty you can hide treats in it so the rest of the family doesn't eat them....hahahahaha!

I may not be able to get all my friends to jump on the boxed wine bandwagon....but I don't give a rat's ass....that's just more for Momma. Peace Out.

A Is For Abracadabra

A is for Abracadabra.....want to know why? Because it's going to take some major magic to get me to the end of this A To Z Challenge. I seriously have no idea why I am doing this....I have horrible writing skills, I'm unorganized, I'm a super duper procrastinator so signing up for this was straight stupid on my behalf. It was a total moment of weakness....between the peer pressure of some fellow bloggers (you know who you are) and some boxed wine I decided to try it.

I've already checked out some of the other challengers...and their shit is legit. I'm screwed! In honor of my inevitable crash and burn I'm gonna raise my plastic, polka dot goblet filled with cheap zinfandel and try to blow this hot mess I've gotten myself into out of the water....tired mom style!

So, buckle up and let's see where this crazy magic carpet ride takes us. Hmmmm...I guess they probably don't have seat belts on a magic carpets...perhaps wear protective gear like shin guards and helmets. Peace Out!

Juice Cleanse Update #13

Day 9....later afternoon. Well...not much to report. I'm about the same. Feeling pretty good. Wish I had pushed myself a little more to get some exercise in but all in all I am happy with what's going on with my results.

Since my post has nothing interesting I am going to give you a list of things I hate buying at the store....not that they are interesting or that you care but it will add some bulk to my post.


1. Paper towels...they are expensive and then you throw them out. It kills me.


2. Q-tips....not that they need to purchased frequently but for some reason I can never locate them in the store and it puts me in a bad mood.


3. Cat litter....its heavy and yet another thing I'm just going to toss out....plus it will include turds....awesome.



4. Tampons....it means I have my period so obviously I'm in pain and cranky...now to top it off I get to spend money on cotton plugs and pray I don't ruin my favorite yoga pants. (chances are I'm buying a cake and huge bottle of booze too)


5. Socks.....the friggen cat (who needs the litter) has a fascination with socks and drags them all over....so no matching pairs ever leave my house. I once had a cat that ate socks....only the dirty ones....weirdo. I also hate wearing sock... just the idea of my foot being enclosed freaks me out....so it's just not a comfortable purchase.


Ok, well now that I have bored you to tears have a great day and remember.....I'm probably only a few months away from another diet so prepare for the insanity! Peace Out.

Juice Cleanse Update #12

Day 7 late morning. Well...I am way less of a lunatic then I was..(about the diet that is....I'm still a nutjob). In fact I'm feeling amazing. I'm down 18 pounds, the headaches are gone and I just feel better all over. The time change made it a little difficult to get up and at em this morning but I already got a lot done and now I get to spend the day having fun with the kiddos. I'm so fricken motivated to drop all this unhealthy bs and just be me. I've always be fucking fabulous but it takes less effort now ;) I still have weak moments....last night I wanted onion rings sooooooooo bad...but the craving passed just as quickly as it came...no tears or meltdowns! I wish I could see the weight loss in my body...well I can but it's all from my boobs....they are always the first to go. No biggie nothing a pair of gym socks can't fix hahahahahha. I remember I went to flash my husband once and the two pairs of socks I had stuffed in there went tumbling down......sexy! Well gotta go....I need to go fill this day with my awesomeness! Peace Out!

Juice Cleanse Update #11

Day 6...early morning. Well...I totally cheated...I had dinner last night. I didn't go all crazy I had baked mahi on spinach....and it was amazing. I still intend to juice but yep I failed the total cleanse part. I'm down 14 pounds and it's keeping me motivated. So here I sit with my glass of lime water and soon my green juice. The weather is improving so I will have no excuses not to take the kids for walks and get my heart pumping.

The mornings are interesting...I still hate getting up....but not because I feel exhausted or sick....it's just because I hate mornings...I love being all warm and wrapped up in my blankets..I have always been more of night owl....but at least I don't feel as sluggish anymore.

I figure I'm about 10 pounds away from fitting into some new jeans and I really want to put on some sexy new jeans!!!!!!! So I can't just say...fuck it....I just gotta keep going...and I intend to. I had to have a pep talk from the hubbs tho...I got pretty down on myself....but even with the cheating I didn't have any booze, sugar, carbs or caffeine....I guess it could have been worse....I could have murdered a box of donuts and sucked down a box of wine like it was a Capri Sun (which yes I sadly have done before).

Well off to start my day....feeling motivated and ready to get back on the donkey. I know the saying is get back on the horse but horses scare me so I'm going to say donkey....plus the word, donkey is really funny to me... just say it over and over and over....tell me you don't laugh. No? fine...maybe it's just me. Oh well...I've always been easily amused. Peace Out!

My 5 Things Worse Then A Pap Smear

Ok....so one of my friends has an amazing blog, Solitary Mama and on Fridays she does Stupid List Fridays. Today's list was 5 Things Worse Then A Pap Smear. You should read it http://networkedblogs.com/uYHKD . Anywhoo....at the end she asked her readers to take a stab at 5 things that we consider worse then a pap smear....now I know how friggen awful those things are...but I think I can think of a few things....


1. Tooth Pain...it lasts longer and is likely more expensive.


2. The Kardashians....nuff said.


3. Getting Dutch Ovened.....that's when you are in bed and your mate pulls the covers over your head and farts. Luckily my husband isn't stupid enough to try this....he knows I would end up barfing and he would get to clean it up and in the end never get sex again.


4. Getting parenting advice from strangers in a store.....you know when your toddler is having a meltdown over pop tarts and all of a sudden some old lady who hasn't raised kids since the Great Depression tells you to just buy the pop tarts or worse when some hippie chick suggest that you buy organic patchouli cookies that way your kid wont have sugar withdrawals. My response to those people is never a nice one....but that is an entirely different blog post.


5. Lindsay Lohan's performance on SNL....I just felt so sorry for myself while I was watching it. Tragic.

This Is My Jam!

Everyone has a song or 5 that turn them into dancing freaks....it doesn't matter where you are...in your car, a bar, a store etc....for me it's anything by Flo Rida ....bet you didn't see that coming. My friends from back in the day would have bet money on The Pussycat Dolls or Black Eyed Peas but here I am it's not even 9am and I am literally dancing on my couch like a stripper to Right Round (you may know it from The Hangover soundtrack)....luckily the kids are up in their play room or that would be awkward :/ Not nearly as bad as the time I was dancing in a Target parking lot because I heard some Flo Rida from someone else's car....not only were people looking at me like I was nuts but then I fell down .....yes it's ok to laugh.......I would have cracked up too and we have already established that I am not exactly graceful... I am no stranger to falling down in the Target parking lots....heck I have multiple cities where that has happened....No biggie I live to shake my booty another day.

I however realize as I get older I am loosing my groove and getting more old lady...I have at least 10 years before my dancing gets lame WTF? I wonder if there is dance class to help middle aged women get less dorky????? I know I'm not pulling off that one hand in the air while bouncing thing....it's not pretty at all. Well, in the meantime I will keep doing the cabbage patch and running man....I got that shit down! (just don't ask my husband or friends or kids...they will disagree with that a little) Peace Out!

Juice Cleanse Update # 10

Day 4...dinnertime. Today wasn't so sucky...but I was distracted. My friend and the kids had pizza and there I sat with a pepperoni by my nose just sniffing away like a coke whore except there were no mirrors, drugs or sex. My friend felt bad but I told her that this was my choice and I'm ok. I came home and sucked down big glass of juice then water and now I feel all bloated and not very hungry so my normal nightly meltdown probably won't hit till closer to bed time and then I can just go to sleep! Wish me luck and if you see on the news that a crazy woman robbed the local BBQ restaurant but only took the brisket and sweet tea.....well that would be me.