Old, Fat & Distracted

Yes...I have been gone awhile....my bad. I want to be a cat...a house cat...not a lion or cougar (well maybe a cougar in the terms of having a fine young hottie..nah...young people piss me off...nevermind) When you're a cat it's ok to be just ridiculously fat...people LOVE a big rolly polly cat. The chunkier the better. You get to lounge around the house all day just fat as hell and lazy... people think it's the best thing ever. BUT if you are a human and obese they hate you and tell you to go away. #nofatties Also if you are a voluptuous cat you don't have to wear clothes...fat girls gotta cover up or people are all....GROSS!!! Cover up your cankles!!!! (BTW I may have a bit of a cankle but my ass is amazing....) I think maybe I should find a BBW worshiper with an animal fetish...it's called Plushy Love or something....I could put on ears and a tail...we could play one of those fantasy scenes where he saves me from the pound, brings me home, puts me on the bed... he starts scratching my belly.... Sorry that's as far as my fantasy gets...not because I can't get kinky....HELLO...middle aged lady here....I am in my prime!!! I just have very undocumented yet wildly witnessed ADHD..so right when I get to the good stuff I'm all like....I should totally look up cat costumes on Pinterest!!!!! Then I get to the PC and decide to check FB first...only to start scrolling down and see all the skinny girls from high school posting marathon pics and talking about yoga...so I get all depressed and find a cupcake. (crackheads are stupid...cupcakes are totally the best high ever) After the cupcake I grab a glass of wine and sit on my sad little exercise bike and listen to some Robin Thicke (who would never fuck a fat girl)....tears run down my face while I hate myself and chug my cheap wine. Then Nicki Minage hits the Pandora and bam...I have hope.....She has a huge ass and is wickedly loved ....I start picking up the pace & ride that little bike like it's Adam Levine (before he had blonde hair)......I feel amazing...there is hope!!! Half hour later I'm all laying on the floor in a puddle of sweat, crying for another cupcake and wishing I was a cat :( FML Peace Out

Working It....

So....I haven't blogged in awhile....to be honest I feel like I've lost my edge. I'm not saying I'm not creative....I have several irons in the fire right now....new projects I've never done before that I hope will be just fucking fantastic....but y'all will have to wait to see them....or hear about how I totally crashed and burned...either way...it should be epic. Anyhoo......currently I'm on an exercise kick....don't roll your eyes...I know several of my posts are diet related etc and I end up just going back to my old ways....however....have you ever known me to get my ass off the couch and workout??? Yea....for real...I do it... like all the time....it's my new addiction.....I can't go a day without. I can be tired, in pain, busy etc and I will still do it. I blame my friend....he posted on his FB how he was going to start training for something and I got pissed....I don't like to be outdone by him (we have an odd rivalry thing) so the next day I bought some running shoes and bam....I was out the gate and have never looked back. Not that it's all glitter and unicorns....I've had some setbacks. I pretty much fucked up my foot (which is all better now) I worked through 2 weeks of knee pain....every time I did anything I could totally hear them yelling at me You Fat Bitch Why Are You Doing This!?!? ....then I started to freak out.....cuz I was just doing the same stuff over and over again so I got some resistance bands. I highly recommend them....but I had to learn a little control....I got a bit zealous and I'm pretty sure I broke my boob...it hurt for like 4 days!!!!! Plus I would catch myself holding it and rubbing it....which got plenty of interesting looks in Target the other day.....no big deal...it's not the worst thing I have ever done in a Target ;) This morning I decided to start working on my butt....all women want a nice booty and all men appreciate one. I looked up some things to try on the internet....I decided to try some of the stuff from the Brazilian Butt Lift program......they didn't look to bad (famous last words). Well....by the time I was done I was straight up crying and yelping out in pain.....I had no idea my booty could hurt like that. Will I do it again???? Hellz yea I will.....shedding a few tears is totally worth getting a fine ass! I keep getting asked why and how...why do you keep it up and how do you find your motivation.....Why....to be honest....I want to buy sexy new jeans.....I'm tired of being the frumpy chick who swears a lot...I want to rock some silver jeans and a slutty top and be confident ( I will still swear a lot). How...do I find the motivation.....some days it's easy...and I don't need any...some days...I need to talk to my friend...you know the one who inspired the whole thing.....he's doing great too BTW.....I have a great support system....and Pandora Radio....I can't do anything without music!!!!! I will never be skinny...to be honest...I'm not looking to be skinny...I just want to be a fairly hot soccer mom. Now if you will excuse me...I need to toss on my sports bra....I tried jumping jacks without one....it didn't go well....it was like a car accident....horrific and nothing anyone should ever witness! Peace Out!