I Could Just Shit...

So...I'm watching Bubble Guppies with my young children and my grand babies and this La La Loopsy commercial comes on. Cool. I love those dolls. Some of them are pretty rad.....right??? NOPE...like NOPE. This particular doll.....SHITS OUT A CHARM! THEN YOUR CHILD TAKES IT OUT OF IT'S PANTS AND WEARS THE FUCKING CHARM! Are you kidding me?!!!!!!???? What kind of 50 shades of fetish bullshit is with this? What friggen dumbasses at the LalaLoopsy factory thought this was a brilliant idea....no one along the way said..hey this is gross and kinky as fuck and we should all get canned for even thinking it's ok. Let's think back here....remember when they wanted to take the drunks and wenches out of the Pirates Of The Caribbean ride at Disney? I guess so that young, impressionable children wouldn't think it's ok to grow up to be drunk whores or something.....but hey....digging for things to wear out of some steaming, hot shit....now that's totally ok. WTF. Obviously Susie The Charm Crapper will not be on the list for Santa this year..... neither will the wiener dog game that apparently takes a dump on the board. What happened to thing's like pick up sticks...not that my demon spawn even pick up their room much less a bunch of pointy damn sticks I just paid $7.99 for. Perhaps the answer is....wine...lots of cheap boxed wine (for me not the kids you idiot) Because...well I loved those dirty wenches at Disney!!!! Peace Out!

Brownie Or Bum Nugget???

Ever have one of those shitty days? Yesterday was one of mine....and by shitty I mean...I stuck my finger in poop...twice....before lunch. The first time....I went to look down the back of my baby's diaper and stuck my finger knuckle deep in turd. What a glorious feeling....nothing like warm wet soft poop all up under your fingernail...bleh...then the second time...I was stuffing a stray wipey into a diaper and somehow stuck my finger in the poop again....but hey that's life as a mom. BUT....the poop wouldn't leave me alone....I had just put the baby down for a nap and was walking by some toys when I saw something weird in the sink of the play kitchen....I walk over and realize its.....you guessed it....poop. WTF....not just any poop....it's cat poop....I'm sick to my stomach....did the kids play with it it??? How did it get there???....Did my jerkoff cat perch his fat orange ass on my children's toys and take a dump?? I grab a tissue and grab up the turd....now here is where it gets really gross....as I'm inspecting the dropping (yes I check poop...you never know what kids/cats swallow) I notice pieces of a worm on it!!!!!! OH MY BLOODY HELL!!!!!! I'm almost vomiting on the way to the trash...I break open the turd and there is like millions of tiny worm bits! Now I'm wicked freaked out.....which quickly turns to sadness as I'm bleaching the bejesus out of play kitchen.....my poor infested cat :(....I better call a vet....oh geez...like I really need all this going on....I hope the kids don't get sick because of it....I'm now throwing away the paper towels and I get a glimpse of a candy wrapper on the floor next to the garbage....um....hmmm.....what is this???? It's a fucking Mounds Bar wrapper....you know coconut with chocolate on it.....which chewed up and spit out into a play sink by a small child resembles a cat turd! Holy balls....I feel so much better now....however just to be safe I dig the poop out of the garbage and sniff it....no smell....so I run to the basement and check the turds in the litter box.....no worms. I'm sure glad I didn't go to college and get some amazing job.....I might be working in some gorgeous office making tons of money and paying maids to do all this ultra fabulous stuff that I do everyday.....I love the mom gig (most days) but I could stand to take a break from feces from time to time. Well...gotta go....my toddler has some training pants on backwards....this will not end well. Peace Out!

Bathroom Bummers

So I acquired this cat...and he's awesome....however... he has this quirk...if there is even one turd in his cat box he will no longer poop in it....so...still needing to crap he decides to go dump somewhere else...usually somewhere really awesome like next to my bed or in the sink....and at first this kinda pissed me off....till I realized that this is not abnormal at all because if I needed to go drop a deuce and someone had left a floater for me I would be highly annoyed!!!!! I too would find another place to unload my sha-doub...ya'll know what I mean...you go into the bathroom at Target or something and your Starbucks has just kicked in and you have to venti your mocha chino....you push open a stall door and BLAH a giant poop slurrie in the bowl....no effin thanks...so now you scoot two doors down and find some nasty whore left a tampon in that one....two doors down again and thank God a clean one....you skamper in to find the friggen door doesn't lock but your turtle head is about to see daylight so you decide drop trow and try to hold the door shut with your leg....that's when the fire typhoon comes blazing out of your ass along with a fart parade to the tune of 76 Trombones.....and at this point you could care the fuck less who hears because that whole mess could have been in let free your capri pants...the only thing that now separates me from the picky pussycat is he can shit on the rug by the front door and I can't....well that and I clean my butthole with extra soft toilet paper instead of my tongue....well gotta go....I'm gathering my pennies so I can purchase one of those self cleaning cat boxes that rakes the tootsie rolls up after each use....and perhaps one of those extend a hand gadgets to flush the potty for me if there are any unavailable clean potties next time I'm out and about to shit myself. Peace out!