Do You See What I See????

The other day we went to drop off my teen at the mall with her friend.....then the rest of the fam and I decided to run some errands...after a long hot afternoon our last stop was Lowe's .....with the baby asleep and the toddler in a good mood I decided to wait in the car with the kids and just let the hubs run in....I guess somewhere between singing some Lady Gaga and Patty Cake I noticed my boobs were askew so I dove into the front of my pink t-shirt and started adjusting my bazoombas....with the fun bags in place I start pulling my arms out and look up to find a little old lady staring at me. Now realizing how weird this must have looked I decided to just continue to creep her out and instead of a friendly smile or just ignoring her I quickly whipped both my hands out and placed them up to face and then deeply inhaled......like it was fine wine or perhaps some sexy cologne on my hubby's neck. I took a quick peek at the old lady to find her with her hands over her mouth and a look of fright on her face....aaahhhhhh.....gotta love it! To top it off I licked my finger tip as if it were covered with sugar....this made my crypt keeper observer flee.....ha ha ha ha ha.....it doesn't get any sweeter than that....but the whole ordeal reminded me of time I was once again waiting in the car and noticed a cabby parked under a tree....he was bopping his head to some music and all of a sudden he friggen pulled out his dentures and started looking at them! He had this odd look as if something were wrong (at this point it could have been anything) and then....he licked them!!!!!! OMFG He licked his fucking false teeth...like a giant Popsicle!!!!! Gag me with a damn spoon! I squealed like a small child and covered my eyes....when I look up he had replaced his teeth and had gone back to rocking out with the radio.....I will forever be leery of cab drivers....as if I didn't think they were odd enough......I have seen The Bone Collector! Well homies better go...I'm going to CVS I hear they have a 2 for 1 on floss. Peace out!

Sticky Situation

....When you have a handful of kids...two of which are under the age of 3 and insist on sleeping with you....it really does not leave a lot of extra time for nookie....however...last night I got lucky...ha get it?? It was like 1AM and both little ones were actually in their own beds...woot woot....time for some sweet sweet hurry up quietly before one of the babies wakes up naughty monkey love.....and it was just the way I like it....me go twice and then finish him off!!!!....but....currently we are using the oh so brilliant pull out method....shut up don't judge me....my Mirena fell the fuck out and I can't remember to take the pill....so we are back to something I would never advise to any of my children.....in fact it's the reason one of my kids is even here....well...back to my story....I skamper off to the bathroom to clean up and I notice my teen is still awake....oh flippen hell...yea her bedroom door is open and TV is still on...wtf....she is never awake at this hour...so I quick grab a towel and run back to my room....I do a quick wipe down, throw my jammies back on and fall asleep. Around 3AM I have to pee....but I'm soooo tired....I try to ignore it but then I get afraid of pissing myself during a bad dream or something so I decide to just go tinkle and get it over with....I get in, shut the door and pull down my shorts....FFFFUUUUUCCCKKKK!!!!!!! Oh my god....did I just get a Brazilian wax???? Apparently I didn't get all the jizz off my bush before I put my panties on....and now I'm on my knees in the bathroom...face against the wall, tears in my eyes trying to not to scream......after I calm down and the pain has slightly decreased I crawl up onto the potty....I look down to see that my undies now look like a god damn Chia Pet! I don't even feel like dealing with them so I just take them off and throw them out.....they were ugly old grannies anyways...at least they went out with a bang....I go back to bed and make a few mental notes....get on some better birth control and first thing in the morning get the hedge clippers out and trim my vag! Well better go...I need to get an ice pack out of the freezer....my whoo hah is still throbbing....but.....not from the hair removal ;).....ya'll are jealous and you know it! Peace out!

Bathroom Bummers

So I acquired this cat...and he's awesome....however... he has this quirk...if there is even one turd in his cat box he will no longer poop in it....so...still needing to crap he decides to go dump somewhere else...usually somewhere really awesome like next to my bed or in the sink....and at first this kinda pissed me off....till I realized that this is not abnormal at all because if I needed to go drop a deuce and someone had left a floater for me I would be highly annoyed!!!!! I too would find another place to unload my sha-doub...ya'll know what I mean...you go into the bathroom at Target or something and your Starbucks has just kicked in and you have to venti your mocha chino....you push open a stall door and BLAH a giant poop slurrie in the bowl....no effin thanks...so now you scoot two doors down and find some nasty whore left a tampon in that one....two doors down again and thank God a clean one....you skamper in to find the friggen door doesn't lock but your turtle head is about to see daylight so you decide drop trow and try to hold the door shut with your leg....that's when the fire typhoon comes blazing out of your ass along with a fart parade to the tune of 76 Trombones.....and at this point you could care the fuck less who hears because that whole mess could have been in let free your capri pants...the only thing that now separates me from the picky pussycat is he can shit on the rug by the front door and I can't....well that and I clean my butthole with extra soft toilet paper instead of my tongue....well gotta go....I'm gathering my pennies so I can purchase one of those self cleaning cat boxes that rakes the tootsie rolls up after each use....and perhaps one of those extend a hand gadgets to flush the potty for me if there are any unavailable clean potties next time I'm out and about to shit myself. Peace out!

Making Mouths Happy

I have decided that there needs to be Mentos mints for your asshole.....I'm sure gay men everywhere would agree with me....and also some little breath strip things for the vagina.....you know how it goes....we get all showered and shaved, dressed up, hair and makeup done....etc...then we go out, eat dinner have drinks....maybe dance a little ....next thing you know hours have gone by and your taco and buttcrack are a smidge bit sweaty and now you are not so sure that your undercarriage is ready for some quality face time....what do you do??? Personally I break out the baby wipes and hope for the best...but not everyone is as thoughtful as I am and...not everyone has a purse as big as I do....wouldn't it be great if you had a little packet that could fit in your pocket or stylish clutch that held a clam cleaner and rear entrance refresher???? Right before you leave to go sit on a chin you just stick a Tic Tac sized magic pellet into your booty and lay a little pussy pleaser strip down and away you go worry free....Tell me the truth all you labia lickers out there.....a minty whiff coming out from those lacy panties would be nice right????....and probably make you more apt to do a thorough job right?????? And we all know that there is not a damn soul out there that is willing to tongue tickle to a crusty smelling cornhole.....
So, I'm going to get together with the makers of KY and Orbitz Gum and see what we can come up with....untill then...be a thoughtful sexual partner and carry some wetnaps or something. Oh hell...I almost forgot...stinky balls...I'm afraid there is not a whole lot of advice I can give you other then keep your berries groomed...spray a little deodorant on them before you leave the house and if you are lucky your conquest will spill a beer on your crotch.....maybe we could come up with a mini tree air freshener you hang in your boxers (good for 4-6 weeks bitches!)....hmmmm.....that's really not a horrible idea...just hang it on the button of your britches or around your dick and whoowaahhh your all set.....lmfao.....I'm sorry I'm just picturing what it would be like to rip my husband pants down and start to gobble on his knob to find that his nuts smelled like a brand new car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Peace Out!

"Goodwill Hunting"

Anyone ever have Thrift Store Sex???? You know...when you just need a sure fire lay so you go to the bar...find the lonely, sad, obviously freshly dumped sack of sadness perched on a barstool. They still have a few tears in their eyes and cell phone clenched in their hand just in case the ex decides to call saying they have changed their minds...oh...just to make sure you are not about to proposition someone who got fired your future ugly bumper will have some sort of weird ass drink sitting in front of them like a Mai Tai or Amaretto Sour.....they think it makes them look interesting and fun to chat with... Also, they are trying very hard to look put together, even though they want to be in dirty jammies on the couch in a Valium coma...but in an effort to find validation their hair is done perfectly, they have nice shoes and new pants/skirt, but they are still wearing either his old college sweatshirt or the gay ass microfiber long sleeve she gave him for Christmas (not sure why you would want to be with an asshole that gave you such an awful shirt...what a toad).....there they sit with nervous finger tapping and weak smiles...in desperate need of someone to make them feel worth something now that they have been cast aside like a crappy jewelry box or a broken rotisserie oven....they have now become...thrift store fodder. This my friend is the easiest way to get you some sweet sweet nookie.....and all it takes is a wink and for you to ask them something...anything...it really does not matter.....I would go with either what they do for a living or if they are from a soap opera....then like a wonderful gift from God all of a sudden their need to have sex is launched like Nasa space shuttle and trust me....they are pleasers! For some reason they use every trick they know of, have done, have read about or thought about doing....trying to prove (to themselves mostly) that it definitely wasn't the sex that made their significant others jump ship...and if you drink plenty of Gatorade...you usually score 3 good romps before leaving at dawn with a sore shoulder and broken toe (ceiling fans are a bitch!)....Now listen up.... this is where you need to be exceptionally careful....bagging a thrift store piece of ass can go terribly wrong....75% of the time you will endure a 3 week stalking period....and if you want to use and abuse this "privilege"...well it makes you a giant asshole but so did the initial act of picking up sloppy seconds at the local watering hole so what's 3 more weeks???? Your conquest (AKA target so easy you didn't even need to brush your teeth) will do just about anything for your attention...they will empty their bank accounts and whisk you away to Vegas...they will cut your grass, pick up your dry cleaning and bake you a pie......they will also initiate insane sexual stunts (indoors, outdoors, leather, costumes and electric fly swatter).....BUT..... it comes with the creepy stuff....homemade paper mache sculptures of you and them together under a heart shaped archway, t-shirts with your pics on them that read "forever" and you being monitored like ADT through your office windows from a tree across the street with 500.00 newly acquired binoculars....so, if that is not your fancy, you can always go for the totally ignore them route....you will still get stalked and your car tires may get slashed (more then once) but that's just part of the territory...either way, keep an eye on your pet rabbit.
I bet you are wondering about the other 25%....ok....some of these crushed, sad souls just need that one night of happiness...that 4 hours of feeling good and knowing someone wanted them and then they become your genuine friend...ya'll will meet for coffee once a month...maybe catch a movie from time to time and chat on Facebook late at night when you can't sleep. One day they will meet the real person of their dreams and you will honestly be happy for them....and now every time you see a second hand store you will reminisce about them and smile to yourself...I know anytime I drive by a Salvation Army I think about...............................oops sorry technical difficulties. Happy shopping! Peace Out!

Should Have Been A Crazy Cat Lady....

Sunday....a family day....and today was kind of lazy day for me as I was getting over a bad pizza...that's not what I'm here to discuss...it was terrible terrible time....it was worse then finding a dead body in a port-a-potty on a hot summer day...so I'm trying to forget about it....anyways....my wonderful hubby was busy making a kick ass meal in the smoker...my oldest agreed to watch the baby so I decided to take my toddler to lunch for some nice Mommy/Daughter time....in theory it sounded like a great time...however I should have known from the get go that all hell was about to break loose....as we left the house and made our way to the driveway....she tripped over her own feet and fell...not just a fall...a rolling fall....she went head over heals twice and landed all sprawled out with her leg up on the trash can...poor thing...I pick her up, get her dusted off and I set her next to me...I go to open my door so that I can put my purse and phone down...not realizing she had moved and I banged her in the fucking head!!!!!!! She starts bawling and yelling "Mamma why did you do that?! Why did you hurt my head?!"...I felt so awful...I'm a really sucky mom...I hug her and kiss her...get her buckled into her seat and away we go....we get to our fine dining destination of McDonald's...she's stoked...she LOVES fries...I have the worst service ever....but that is a whole other blog....as I am waiting for the happy meal some guy comes up to me and asks if I'm Amanda....I tell him no...he tries to apologize but my lovely daughter takes over and sticks her finger in his face while shouting "YOU GO AWAY! GET AWAY FROM MY MOM!" ...I can't help but laugh a little....so we find ourselves a nice little booth and start eating....we are talking and being silly....till the same man walked by our table to get to the garbage....and my toddler threw her drink at him....yep...before I could even react she grabs her drink, whips it like a varsity softball player and pegs him in the shoulder.....also while yelling "GO AWAY"....I could have crapped my pants....I didn't know what to do..my jaw dropped and I just looked at her.....then quickly started to apologize....but the dude just said it was ok and left looking like he was going to kill himself....taking his lead we packed our shit up and took off as well....I carried her to the car, set her down to open the door and she took off like friggen Flo Jo....down a hill over a curb and into the street...I drop my purse and go after her...catch her by her pigtail and pull her away right before a minivan damn near ran her over.....I'm not pleased...not pleased at all! After the near death experience, a lot of crying and me pissing in my grannies...we go to the store....and at first all is going well....I'm finding all sorts or bargains...she's holding some giant purse that she could literally fit into and we are singing some Lady Gaga (just dance, gonna be ok...doo do doo)....until my sweet little dumpling spots the dressing rooms....once again she's gone....she gets inside one and locks herself in....at first she's laughing with extreme delight....till she can't unlock the god forsaken thing and she starts to panic....now I have to drop my fat ass to the ground and try to crawl underneath....this sucks balls...I weigh 250lbs....do you know how hard it is to squeeze that amount of fat threw a 6 inch opening???!!!! Well...I did succeed...and as the fitting room door opens she tries to take off again....this time I just grab her up and leave...she's screaming about how she want to shop and that she will be good....but I know better....because she's Satan and Satan will tell you anything (oh eat the apple...it's no biggie or mommy I will hold your hand...nothing but total bullshit)....the lucky for me part was that there was a gentlemen leaving at the exact same time with a small child who was also having a level 10 tantrum...he looks at me and says "why do I even try?".........you know misery loves company....but that's when I realized....boarding school is definitely in my daughter's near future....I think I have had enough family time for one day...I need some Tylenol and a glass of wine....and maybe a tazer for the next outing...just to keep my nutjob in check....Yes I am dumb enough to go out again...I really wanted this hot purse I saw at the store....but this time my rabid child will be sporting an adorable pink straight jacket and a bedazzled muzzle....Peace Out!

Boogers And Poopy And Vomit Oh My!

You can always tell a non-parent from a parent....and it's so much fun to mess with them....every time I sniff my kid's ass to see if she has poop a non-parent gets this most horrified look on their face. I love it. However....could you tell me a better way???? I have seen other parents actually stick their finger into the diaper....are you friggen kidding me???!!! I mean getting some doo doo on you from time to time is a part of life as a parent but to go digging for turds.....you have lost your diaper changing mind! I sometimes look....if the outfit is willing....but sometimes the little tootsie rolls are hidden in the buttcrack so I prefer the sniff method....it's not like I inhale deeply like I would on a Sharpie.....just a little whiff will do..besides...it's not the only stinky thing babies have for you...puke...sweaty underchin....and awesome formula burps....all super fab scents....babies are like little drunken frat guys....they eat, shit and smell....and can't dress themselves.....they just cost less in bail money....and they don't steal your car...but pretty much picture your first college boyfriend and there you go. Just this morning my darling little one woke me up by pissing on me...that's right....after an early morning bottle we fell asleep all snuggled up...and then she exceeded pee limit in the diaper and urinated all over me and my new Egyptian cotton.....sigh....oh well....probably won't be the only member of the family to whizz on them...especially if I get knocked up again....and as far as fluids a baby gets on you....a little pee is really not a biggie....just wait till they yack up some sweet potatoes in your hair....now that's a good time ;)
Ok...bye the way all you non-parents...here's the deal...just because my kids are screaming and throwing shit...I'm not leaving the store....do you know what a pain in the ass it is to load up 8 million kids, a double stroller and a few diaper bags???? yea...it's easier for you to leave and come back later so fuck off....I need my juice boxes and gummy snacks or the little buggers will set my kitchen on fire....and when you come into the bathroom and heaven forbid I am changing my child on the diaper thing....shut the fuck up!!!! Little comments like....do that in the car or could you take up anymore room...only make me toss the diaper over the stall door onto your head...did you know that once upon a time you were a baby and you too crapped your pants???? Do you think your mother really appreciated those snippy comments??? Yea...think about dillhole!
Oh and non-parents...it is never ever ever ok to touch our children...I know you think how fun it would be to pinch the chubby cheeks or tickle the little toes...but you will get beaten to death....we all fear the worst when out in public.....that some sicko is going to make off with our kids and do horrible things to them....so if you move in on our precious poopers we will kill you and we will have the help of other parents and you will need your dental records....just a warning.
One more thing...when my toddler is screaming for a sucker and I appear to be ignoring her....stay the hell out of it.....maybe she didn't eat lunch...or maybe she just had one or maybe just maybe I had to cut a chunk of hair off that the last blue sucker stained...so....when you think hey...what's the big deal it's just a sucker....you try prying one off the back of your headrest and see if you feel they need another one....piss off!
NOW...onto the Super-parents....ya'll suck....no kids are perfect and mine....well they don't have a chance in hell in coming close....I don't want your advice on how to quiet a tantrum or how to teach the inside voice....I've tried that..the apple does not fall far from the tree so the best I can hope for is no juvi....
Well...better go...the toddler is wedged under my bed and the Hannah Montana movie is about to end so she's going to notice she's stuck... Peace out!