Ever have a bad person day?? A day when you are unusually shitty? I am kind of dickhead most of the time but even I have super crap moments....like this morning. I ran (drove....not ran...my fat ass hasn't moved faster then a slight jog in 6 years) to a store to grab some pull ups and a few things for dinner....as I am strolling along, looking at the cute stuff in the girls department I step on my own foot....not just a little tap....like I slammed down on my right foot like it was a fucking cockroach!!!! It hurt really really bad and I yelped out in pain....however...instead of saying something like OUCH....I screamed, SON OF A FUCK!!!! Yep....it was loud and awful....but that wasn't the really bad part. As I was trying to compose myself some little snarky girl decided to tell me that I said a bad word....and since I was already a little aggravated I sort of told her "yes, yes I did and you know what else?? Santa hates prissy little shits." .... her mom gasped, grabbed her daughter and walked off...which was great because I fully deserved an ass beating....at least I got to continue my shopping without a bloody nose....
Then what I hate the most happened...bad customer service...the cashier decided to talk to her loser boyfriend the entire time I was at the register....so in retaliation once she was done I told her that I did not want paper bags and that she need to rebag them. She looked at me like a was the biggest bitch in the world....so I mentioned to the lady behind me that if she had been doing her job instead of mingling with the scumbag next to her I would have been able to relay that information sooner. So she switched the bags out and in a sarcastic tone told me to have a nice day....I smiled....and told her "and you try not to breed". (I just know her idiot boyfriend in the pot leaf hoodie is still trying to figure out what that means)
Oh...wait....one last not so nice thing on this shopping adventure...as I am loading my things into the car some fucknut parks his car and turns on his blinker....I guess he wanted my spot....which was dumb because I was in the back of the lot...maybe it was sentimental or something....like the fist place he whacked off to a Victoria's Secret catalogue or something....but it annoyed me....so I finished unloading the cart...then returned the cart to cart holder thing....stopped and gave the still waiting douchebag a thumbs up...got in my car...started to pull out then....pulled back in. Did this about 3 more times till he honked....that's when I shut the car off....got out and told him suck my dick ( while making an awful gesture that I am not going to describe to you because it was not in anyway shape or form something anyone should ever do) He finally left. I did too....feeling oddly great....some days you just need to be a prick. I fully believe it keeps me from stabbing people in the kidney with an ice pick. Now, go be a shitface to someone....you just might be saving a life. Peace Out!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
We Gonna Party Like It's Your Birthday
So my teen is having a birthday in a few days and I've been running around buying her stuff and hiding it...keeping the smaller kids from finding it etc. I'm sitting here trying to figure out time to wrap all her crap up when it hit me....this is fucking bullshit...why am I giving this kid gifts??? What the hell did she do??? She's on this earth because I did something....why am I not getting the gifts???? I carried her for 9 months....heartburn....sore back....stretch marks only to deliver her in 20 min...and in that 20 minuets not only did I experience the most god awful pain the universe has to offer but I ruined my beautiful vagina....why am I giving her gifts for that???? That girl is only alive because I am waiting for her to get knocked up (someday like 38 years from now) so she can cry to me how her boobs hurt and she's gassy....hahahhahahahahahahahahaha that's right fucker....now you know....so until that day I think she should give ME presents on her birthday...to thank me for not sticking her in the recycle bin.
Well....we all know that is never going to happen....and knowing her...she will adopt so she won't ruin her figure....so in the mean time I gotta run to Target and get wrapping paper....that she won't notice or realize I put time, thought and money into untill the glorious day she has kids....I can't fucking wait. Peace Out!
Well....we all know that is never going to happen....and knowing her...she will adopt so she won't ruin her figure....so in the mean time I gotta run to Target and get wrapping paper....that she won't notice or realize I put time, thought and money into untill the glorious day she has kids....I can't fucking wait. Peace Out!
Monday, November 7, 2011
Here..Let Me Help You Get That Stick Out Of Your Butt
I hate uptight people....ok...that's not nice...but I strongly dislike them. I understand that there are some people who are always going to be a big ball of constipation but I firmly believe that most people just need to fart (figuratively and literally) and try to let go.
I also believe that certain people in certain professions and areas of life need to get a sense of humor. If you are Clergy, law enforcement, a mother, a drive thru attendant or a gynecologists you need to not be a serious asshole all of the time.
Let's start with mothers....this should not even need to be said but if you have kids and can't see the funny in finding poop on the floor and not knowing where it came from...you need to adopt out your kids....life happens....can we have rules, hard days and meltdowns??? For sure....but take off the pearls June C. and slip on some sweatpants....enjoy the ride.
Drive thru workers at any of my fast food places....I'm sorry you can't hear me very well over the screaming of my spawn that are demanding chocolate milk and chicken nuggets but getting pissy with me when I am obviously at my wits end is only going to get you pelted in the face with my empty Starbucks cup....oh and I e-mail corporate for good customer service and I make phone call for bad service so just laugh at the fact that my life at the moment is fucked up and throw in some extra ketchup.
Clergy, you want to help guide me and my family down a path of spiritual awesomeness and have me reveal my deep dark secrets....yet you can't find humor or leeway in my fully dysfunctional life....no one wants to be sinking ship full of crap but life fucks up....get off your high horse and be my friend....not a dick.
Law enforcement....I get it....lots of assholes out there...but when you pull me over and you see that I have mismatched flip flops on in winter and a sucker in my hair can you just drop the tone and hand me my ticket???? I am already having bad day...BTW I do appreciate you...
Gynos....ok this is my least fav thing to do. I do not look forward to going into your office once a year for my...make sure I don't have cancer or an alien baby growing in my lady place checkup. Then you to ask all sorts of questions like am I a whore, have I banged a chick, do I do meth etc etc followed by you to then shoving a cold evil toucan like instrument in my tunnel of love and stab at it with a cotton swab the size of Oregon! So when you sit there asking...are you sexually active...and I reply....only every other Friday....you need to fucking laugh god damn it!!!!! I am in a paper gown that is too small...I cut my whoo hah trying to trim it up and now we are about to have you go in wrist deep (I don't even let my husband do that) and you can't have a sense of humor to lighten the tension???? I'm going to start going in drunk from now on....see how you like me then you snotty bitch.
Ok I need to go calm down...that one got me a little perturbed....I'm gonna go put on my sushi costume from Halloween and strike up some conversation with some old folks at the library. Have a great day...remember to laugh a little...even if it's at me. Peace Out!
I also believe that certain people in certain professions and areas of life need to get a sense of humor. If you are Clergy, law enforcement, a mother, a drive thru attendant or a gynecologists you need to not be a serious asshole all of the time.
Let's start with mothers....this should not even need to be said but if you have kids and can't see the funny in finding poop on the floor and not knowing where it came from...you need to adopt out your kids....life happens....can we have rules, hard days and meltdowns??? For sure....but take off the pearls June C. and slip on some sweatpants....enjoy the ride.
Drive thru workers at any of my fast food places....I'm sorry you can't hear me very well over the screaming of my spawn that are demanding chocolate milk and chicken nuggets but getting pissy with me when I am obviously at my wits end is only going to get you pelted in the face with my empty Starbucks cup....oh and I e-mail corporate for good customer service and I make phone call for bad service so just laugh at the fact that my life at the moment is fucked up and throw in some extra ketchup.
Clergy, you want to help guide me and my family down a path of spiritual awesomeness and have me reveal my deep dark secrets....yet you can't find humor or leeway in my fully dysfunctional life....no one wants to be sinking ship full of crap but life fucks up....get off your high horse and be my friend....not a dick.
Law enforcement....I get it....lots of assholes out there...but when you pull me over and you see that I have mismatched flip flops on in winter and a sucker in my hair can you just drop the tone and hand me my ticket???? I am already having bad day...BTW I do appreciate you...
Gynos....ok this is my least fav thing to do. I do not look forward to going into your office once a year for my...make sure I don't have cancer or an alien baby growing in my lady place checkup. Then you to ask all sorts of questions like am I a whore, have I banged a chick, do I do meth etc etc followed by you to then shoving a cold evil toucan like instrument in my tunnel of love and stab at it with a cotton swab the size of Oregon! So when you sit there asking...are you sexually active...and I reply....only every other Friday....you need to fucking laugh god damn it!!!!! I am in a paper gown that is too small...I cut my whoo hah trying to trim it up and now we are about to have you go in wrist deep (I don't even let my husband do that) and you can't have a sense of humor to lighten the tension???? I'm going to start going in drunk from now on....see how you like me then you snotty bitch.
Ok I need to go calm down...that one got me a little perturbed....I'm gonna go put on my sushi costume from Halloween and strike up some conversation with some old folks at the library. Have a great day...remember to laugh a little...even if it's at me. Peace Out!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
New Meaning To American Pickers
So you know that feeling when you're asleep but you sense someone standing next to you?? I had that the other day and I was sure it was a murderer...now normally I would jump and yell but for some reason I decided to just peek open one eye and get a quick glimpse of the culprit (I figured it was my first husband) but now instead I find my child standing there with her finger in my face....to top it off the finger had a giant booger on it....after my heart slowed down and I realized that I was not getting chopped into pieces I asked her..."um, whatcha doing sweetie??" She replied...."I want a Capri Sun and to show you this huge booger I found in my nose"! I layed there for a second and decided that this is probably not going to be the grossest moment of my day....told her to go wipe her extraordinary booger off of her finger and I would go get her a drink. I head off to the kitchen only to realize no on had let the dogs out so I swing the doors wide open and shove them out....taking a moment to bask in what seems to be a lovely day....but then I notice my annoying neighbor staring at me as she is sweeping her sidewalk for what I bet is the already the 3rd time today....she kind of has a look on her face like...what on earth???...I look down at myself to see that yes....I'm a crazy hot mess...I am wearing my husbands underwear and an old, very holey t-shirt....my god I am a vision. I know she must think that I do drugs and since I have had no coffee yet my inner thoughts and what really is going on are not distinguishable and I yell out....I DON'T DO DRUGS! Between being embarrassed about my attire and my new found Turrets Syndrome I quickly turn to go into the house but the god damn screen door decides to slam against my ankle causing me to fall and swear very loudly....something like....slutty ho bag skank...which I realize all mean pretty much the same thing...but it was early...what do you want from me???? So now I'm just laying there on my kitchen floor....trying to gather my composure and all I can do is wonder when was the last time I mopped this area....feeling yucky and sorry for myself I start to sit up and my hubby calls....(yes I almost always have my cell in hand...what if I get a FB notification or something?????) As we talk for a few seconds I decide to redo my ponytail/messy bun thing that I always sport and I find a gummy bear in my mother fucking hair....seriously????? I pull it out and toss it at the garbage can...miss....go figure....then I realize my husband is talking all naughty...lol....at this moment in time it would be less nasty for him to bang a toothless prostitute lol. We hang up and I close my eyes, take a deep breath and think...If I could just have 5 minuets of peace and a quick shower....I will be ok.....I open my eyes to find my child standing there with her finger in my face saying...."I found another booger mom...where is my Capri Sun?"....and that was just the first 4 minuets of my day. Gotta go....I'm giving a lecture on Digging For Gold Etiquette and then finding some clothes that look a little less meth addict and a bit more...well anything else. Peace Out!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Look What I Made!!!!
Wicked Lens imaging - photographer,Darryl Sposato - model, hair/makeup/fx - Nicole Werner, www.nicolepattersonhairandmakeup.com & Lucky me I got to make the wardrobe for this awesome set of people!!!! Thanks to my talented friend Nicole (the makeup artist) for giving me the opportunity!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
A Star Waiting To Shine
Not so long ago I was told that being a mother was how I defined myself....I was insulted....now don't get me wrong I love my children and yes they take up almost all of my life right now and in ways always will but it's not how I define myself. I hate when people who do not know me at all think I have nothing else going on in my brain other than diapers and and fruit snacks. Have I lost a little bit of what I thought I would be? yea but hey when I was 10 I thought I was going to be a pilot....so things change...big deal. Other than being a mom I happen to be a wife...a wife that sucks at cooking, hates folding laundry and forces my husband to watch Project Runway but I have my cool moments too..those might be few and far between but I know I have them!
I am a friend....maybe not a great friend...I tend to be a bit catty, jealous and bitchy... but I think that if I got hit by a bus that at least 4 people would be really sad.
I am sort of creative....I like to write, craft, sew and just be a silly shit....the things that pop into my head may be a little weird but I am very rarely boring....I like having whimsy...life is full of serious moments, hard times and bad things....I just don't believe that there is no room for laughter in between all of that.
I also have goals....I really want to be on Dancing With The Stars.....yes I know to be on that show you should be "famous"....I'm still working on that too....it's a lot harder then I thought....I am good at being infamous....but the famous part is more difficult then I thought. I just don't get how the Kardashians are celebs but I am not....I refuse to get ass implants and have a porn tape just to be a B list celebrity....wait...I am willing to get the ass implants....but the porn is out....no one wants to see that....not even me...bleh. So my hope is that somewhere I get to save someone's life....like someone tries to rob Steven Tyler and I come up out of nowhere and get all MMA on their ass....Steven takes me to dinner to thank me....he decides I am awesome and blogs about me....next think you know I am doing a few talk shows....the world falls in love with me....I get my own show on FX or HBO and then I am asked to be on Dancing With The Stars. This is also how I lose all my weight and get asked to pose in Playboy...which I turn down even though I am so flattered.....did I mention my Emmy????
Ok enough about me and my bigger picture...I gotta go find my daughter's dance shoes and make a list for the store...can't forget the Capri Suns! Don't be jealous of my future glamour.....I won't forget the people that got me there and I for sure won't forget the bitch that told me being a mom is all I am.....I will send her a gift basket of dirty diapers and an autograph Dear Asshole, Suck On This. Love Always, ME! Peace Out!
I am a friend....maybe not a great friend...I tend to be a bit catty, jealous and bitchy... but I think that if I got hit by a bus that at least 4 people would be really sad.
I am sort of creative....I like to write, craft, sew and just be a silly shit....the things that pop into my head may be a little weird but I am very rarely boring....I like having whimsy...life is full of serious moments, hard times and bad things....I just don't believe that there is no room for laughter in between all of that.
I also have goals....I really want to be on Dancing With The Stars.....yes I know to be on that show you should be "famous"....I'm still working on that too....it's a lot harder then I thought....I am good at being infamous....but the famous part is more difficult then I thought. I just don't get how the Kardashians are celebs but I am not....I refuse to get ass implants and have a porn tape just to be a B list celebrity....wait...I am willing to get the ass implants....but the porn is out....no one wants to see that....not even me...bleh. So my hope is that somewhere I get to save someone's life....like someone tries to rob Steven Tyler and I come up out of nowhere and get all MMA on their ass....Steven takes me to dinner to thank me....he decides I am awesome and blogs about me....next think you know I am doing a few talk shows....the world falls in love with me....I get my own show on FX or HBO and then I am asked to be on Dancing With The Stars. This is also how I lose all my weight and get asked to pose in Playboy...which I turn down even though I am so flattered.....did I mention my Emmy????
Ok enough about me and my bigger picture...I gotta go find my daughter's dance shoes and make a list for the store...can't forget the Capri Suns! Don't be jealous of my future glamour.....I won't forget the people that got me there and I for sure won't forget the bitch that told me being a mom is all I am.....I will send her a gift basket of dirty diapers and an autograph Dear Asshole, Suck On This. Love Always, ME! Peace Out!
Monday, September 5, 2011
Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbors Wood
You know you have a problem when you steal from your own friends.....no I'm not talking about drugs.....yes drugs are a problem just not my problem...I'm talking about crafts. I am a craft head....ha ha get??? like crack head but crafts....not funny? Ok..on to my story....
Last night I hit a new low in my quest for craft supplies.... We were invited over to a friends house for the first time and they live in the most beautiful area, great house, surrounded by trees and that's where I stopped looking....as of late I have needed twigs and branches for craft projects and I do not have any trees....so while outside of my friend's home I started wandering around looking for branches on the ground to take....however they clean their yard and I could not find any....I got to the front of their home and found this awesome birch tree...I shook the tree, nothing fell....I kicked the tree, nothing fell so I jumped up and grabbed a branch....totally not expecting to break off I didn't brace myself and to my surprise the branch snapped right off and came falling down to the ground....and so did my ass....quickly trying to recover before my friends decide to come find me I shot up to my feet only to hear their neighbor across the street chuckling at me :/ ......that wasn't the worst part...now I had to get into my mini van. I open the back door and hastily started to shove it in...but it caught on my stroller and stabbed me in my boob!!!! Now I'm holding my wounded funbag and yelping out cuss words only to once again hear the neighbor chuckle at me....I finally get the lengthy branch in my vehicle and head inside.....realizing the easily humored neighbor would tell them what I did I decided to fess up....luckily they found it funny and didn't ask me to leave. However if I do ever get invited back I am bringing some gardening gloves and a saw! Well better go... I'm off to make some masterpieces with my stolen wood....let's hope getting it out of my van is easier then it was getting it in! Peace Out!
Last night I hit a new low in my quest for craft supplies.... We were invited over to a friends house for the first time and they live in the most beautiful area, great house, surrounded by trees and that's where I stopped looking....as of late I have needed twigs and branches for craft projects and I do not have any trees....so while outside of my friend's home I started wandering around looking for branches on the ground to take....however they clean their yard and I could not find any....I got to the front of their home and found this awesome birch tree...I shook the tree, nothing fell....I kicked the tree, nothing fell so I jumped up and grabbed a branch....totally not expecting to break off I didn't brace myself and to my surprise the branch snapped right off and came falling down to the ground....and so did my ass....quickly trying to recover before my friends decide to come find me I shot up to my feet only to hear their neighbor across the street chuckling at me :/ ......that wasn't the worst part...now I had to get into my mini van. I open the back door and hastily started to shove it in...but it caught on my stroller and stabbed me in my boob!!!! Now I'm holding my wounded funbag and yelping out cuss words only to once again hear the neighbor chuckle at me....I finally get the lengthy branch in my vehicle and head inside.....realizing the easily humored neighbor would tell them what I did I decided to fess up....luckily they found it funny and didn't ask me to leave. However if I do ever get invited back I am bringing some gardening gloves and a saw! Well better go... I'm off to make some masterpieces with my stolen wood....let's hope getting it out of my van is easier then it was getting it in! Peace Out!
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