summer style for the cool pre-school girl

I was going to toss out this old shirt that two of my daughters had grown out of....I almost always donate old stuff to Goodwill or to a friend with kids but this one had gotten some holes in it...but the cheapo in me could not bare to put it in the garbage...so I cut it up into strips and put some poney beads on it (had them left over from another bracelet project my preschooler and I did a few months back)....so now my darling daughter has some fun summer necklaces. I know they are no Chanel but hey they have color and cost me nothing so if they get lost I won't freak out. I also cut out the little picture it had on the front...I'm sure I can find something to do with that...Hope y'all are enjoying the first day of summer! Peace Out!

Fatty Fatty 2x4 ...

You know you're heifer when your bra has five hooks....well not all women are cows...some women need them for their huge ta tas....but not me....I still stuff my bra...I have the hooks to keep my side fat strapped up and in place. Yep....gotta have some strong hardware to keep that shit from busting loose. Can't be having the side boob hanging free....two reasons why it needs to be on lock down....1: it looks friggen awful....2: it gets tangled in my underpants.....ok it's not that bad yet but by the time I hit 50 it will and I will have to not only wear the bra of industrial hooks but I will have to apply duct tape on top of it as a precaution....like when your 20ish and use a condom along with a pill....always have back
You know what else makes a fat chick feel good about herself???? The fact that most of us can't wear shorts out in public....or I guess I should say shouldn't....I see plenty chunky bitches that do it anyway....and it's just wrong....now I know in hot weather shorts are the way to beat the heat but some of us have huge monster thighs and they grab ahold of the inside of our shorts and drag them up to our crotch.....Oh my god I can't even explain how gross this looks and all you can think about is the the sweaty nasty cellulite that is now being exposed.....bleh. So I wear capri pants in the summer....not like that 3 whole inches off my ankles makes a whole lot of difference but hey....I don't want someone to turn into a bulimic just because they saw my thighs rubbing together like two teenagers in the backseat of a car. Oh....and tank tops are a no no as well....my flarms (floppy arms) are not to be viewed....it's like having a baby manatee hanging off each shoulder and manatees are only cute when swimming around the warm waters near a power plant in Florida....now I am not stupid...I realize that even all covered up like a nun does not hide the fact that I am obese but trust me if I just let it all hang out it would be much worse....oh all this is so depressing...I need cake....Peace Out.

Should Have Bought A Condo.....

I have a new fetish....popping weeds out of my lawn...and since my yard has more dandelions than a 13 year old boy has pimples I spend more time face down, ass up then all of 50 Cent's ho's combined. My neighbors are really stoked....not only do they get to watch my huge middle aged ass bob up and down like a giant whack an ass game..but I'm taming the shrew that is my yard.....Oh who fucking knew that grass seed was so damn expensive????? Are you shitting me???? I bought some to fill in the hole from the 853 weeds I have already plucked from my overly taxed piece of earth and was shocked at how much having grass is to cost me.....I might just say fuck it.....that's retarded....the kid's need milk ya know....how awful to charge that much for some damn grass....I should just pave the bitch and be done with it. However for some reason I find snatching the unruly weeds very cathartic.....maybe it's replacing cigarettes....ooohhhh I would really like a cigarette (Capri Ultra light with the pink stripe on the box....yum)....what will I do when I finally get all these things gone????? I guess I could sneak into the next door neighbors yard and get theirs......I'm sure I will end up getting arrested for trespassing and then the arresting officer will laugh at me....I could find another outdoor hobby....I've always wanted a pressure washer....I doubt I could get into too much trouble with that......wait....no....I've met me......well...wish me luck and remember...when it comes to weeds....just say no....or something like that...Peace Out!

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

~Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891

You're Cooler Than Me....

Most days my kids drive me straight to the funny farm....but I gotta say....even with all the crazy crap they come up with I would still rather be with them instead of most adults. Grown ups are assholes....almost all of them....even I am guilty of being a douche from time to time....I know you are beyond shocked but it's true...Normally I'm such a sweet and gentle person but yes...I have my moments (like every 17 minuets)...I think I should just never leave the house or check my Facebook because there is always at least one jerkoff that will set me off....usually it's some dick I am suppose to be friends with but I'm really not... but now because we are all grown up and mature we should be nice to each other....except they are fuckfaces and anytime I try to be nice they blow me off so I wonder why I bother...or it's the uptight bitch with cheap shoes and an expensive suit at the grocery store that I am trying to warn not to step into the puddle of something that fell but when I get her attention she says something shitty like....it was probly someone with kids (as my kids are with me) so then I explain that next time I won't bother warning her....since some pickle juice won't hurt her crappy pleather boots.
So to keep me from turning into a mass murderer I spend most of my time basking in the kingdom I have created that consists of me & the kids....to them I am THE SHIT! I mix my cereal (fruity pebbles & apple jacks), I paint their nails, we play extreme peek a boo, I dress up the cat and make him dance to Lady Gaga, we make crafts with glitter and we watch their fav movies over and over again (thank god I like kid movies)....so to them I effin rock I'm like Snoop Dog....everything I do is awesome .....except when it's time for naps and I say no to the third Popsicle....but for the most part we are the best of homies....I have no idea what I will do when they reach teen years and they realize I am not cool at all...I already have a child that has hit this stage in life and it sucks balls....I'm cool if I'm buying eyeliner or watching Jersey Shore but other than that I'm a life ruin-er or totally lame....too bad for her...ya get more flies (or tubes of mascara) with honey than telling Mommy what a dork she is....so for now the little ones get spoiled and we have fun......as for the grown ups (a.k.a. bitches) they can all suck my dick....I'm sure they are having the best time being snotty and pretending they are super happy....but I get to wear a macaroni tiara and do the hokey pokey....and I wouldn't trade it for the "Likes" on Facebook....Peace Out!

Hope You Stocked Up On First Aid Kits....You Will Need Them

So there is this new show on TLC called Extreme Couponing.....and it's making my life a living hell. Now every time I go to a store....any damn store...Target, Walmart, CVS etc etc there is some white trash asshole with her carts full of shit she doesn't need and her piles of coupons. Why do you need 17 nail clippers????? and why on earth can you not just sit on your front porch drinking Budweiser like the rest of depressed lower middle class??? I ran into the store for bread, clear nail polish & a pack of gum and got stuck behind your fucking ass trying out your new hobby of getting something for nothing......isn't that what you use to complain about with mothers on food stamps and illegal aliens getting medical benefits but just because you used a scissor and swiped 4 extra Sunday papers it's ok for you to do it???? Don't get me wrong I like my Kohl's cash and BOGO offers but I'm not out to stock pile generic lip balm in my garage for some great chapped lip pandemic...wtf!!!!! And lord help you if I go to buy something I really need and use like Clorox wipes and find the shelf empty....it will get ugly....like knock your cart over, smack your coupons out of your hand and beat you with my diaper bag ugly....stop being such a selfish asshole and stop going into the 20 items or less lane....or I will hit you in the ankle with my shopping cart....several times. Peace Out!