My Advice To The Middle Aged Women Who Date....

Ladies....if I can even call you that....dating for dinner is no longer acceptable...maybe back in the 40's but not today....you can not as a single woman go out to eat with a single man and have nice conversation and some drinks and then just say peace out. It no longer works like that. Old friends are a maybe but not with new people or ex lovers.....now I'm not saying it's right that they expect a BJ or handjob for some wings and a margarita but a little heavy petting is implied especially if you are the one initiating the dinner. This day and age everyone is so sexed up that dinner is code for fellatio so if you are not prepared to ruin the knees of your new skinny jeans then stay the fuck home and watch The Notebook and order a pizza. You also can not ask a guy over to watch movies and not round 3rd base....and don't be a fridged bitch and say ahead of time something like....just so you know nothing is going to happen tonight....what are they gonna say....well piss on you I'm not coming over unless I get some nipple in my mouth. If you need company call a girlfriend to come over...if you need a boyfriend then throw go find one....don't use some poor schmuck to keep you occupied.....I'm sorry you are one kitten away from being the neighborhood cat lady but....it's pretty much like being a tease....and we all know how I feel about that....put out or stay home. This isn't high school....the days of being home by 10 and untouched are over. I'm not a fan of sluts but they don't screw with peoples minds.....they just screw.

STOP FINDING DATES ON THE INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!! If you sit home at night scouring Friend Finder, MySpace and Craigslist for a date....you are a loser....and will most likely end up raped, mugged or dead. If you can not saunter up to a guy and say hello...then how are able to give them your name and meet them for "dinner".....don't give me the bullshit about getting to know them...you can do that in person....when you meet them after you have said hello. Get off of your couch, put your vibe away and go meet people. I know sometimes it's hard and you have hit a rough spot in life and you don't feel like you have the magic anymore.....get over it....finding a loser that lives above his aunt's garage and looks for sex on the internet is really not a step in the right direction....put your spanx and heels on and go hunting....there are a million places to find men....I suggest Home Depot at around 8pm....that means they have a job...otherwise they would be there during the day and it means they have drive.....both very good things....but be careful if he's in the garden section....that might mean gay....look to see if he does the hand on the hip thing.....
Well....better go....I need to update the security settings on my FB....some old serial killer looking assfuck just sent me a friend request...Peace out!

Jekyll & Hubby

Question. ...do you have an alter ego in the bedroom? I don't.....unless I've had some tequila...but that can go from superfreak to puking in the bathtub real quick so it's not worth working with....however my hubby has one....he's like the Hulk....if I get him all reved up it's like he disappears....and this other more aggressive, testosterone filled, adrenaline fueled caveman appears....I have named him Tim.....why Tim...that's an entirely different post.....but Tim does not do gentle or romance....Tim does the yank your hair, throw you around and bang you till your ovaries come out of your mouth kind of stuff. I'm not complaining ....it's really delicious stuff....however...I'm not always aware that Tim is in the room and I get caught off guard....its important that I take safety precautions if he's there...the other night Tim woke me up for some organ grinding and decided to flip me over....well me not realizing this was about to happen I didn't brace myself and I almost broke my knee.....it twisted the wrong way and I didn't stick the landing.....I yelped out in pain like a chihuahua but Tim didn't even notice...he just kept on busying himself....no worries I'm ok....just had to ice it for a few days.....and the end result of it all was more then delightful....
I remember the first time I met Tim....he scared the hell out of me....there's a look in the eye....and a bit of a growl....I felt like a rabbit that just realized it was being hunted....I almost ran away...in fact I started to scoot across the bed wondering what was going on.....and quickly realized it was over he was up in my...uh....face.....before I could even think of what to do.....it was that night I learned the difference between getting some and getting ravaged.....and Momma liked it. The only slight down side is that I bruise easily...so it's not hard to tell when I have been bounced around a few times.....well and one time I pulled a muscle.....and that time I jammed my toe....but those are small prices to pay to the sex gods for lusty carnal love. I don't know exactly what unleashes the inner beast but I'm glad I can do it.....my front door is not so happy with it....it creeks a little now....but hey with an ass like mine it's lucky that it's still in tact. Well better go....I need to restock my night table...gotta have plenty of water, a fresh towel and an two ice packs...one for whatever limb I damaged and one for my freshly buttered muffin. Peace out!

Pick Pocketbook

Well....I'm pretty sure I win the awesome mom of the year award again....why you ask...well....my toddler is a criminal. Let me give you a little back story...I love to shop....I love to shop a lot...I have a problem...but I'm pretty broke most of the time so I started what I call treasure hunting....which means scouring thrift stores, garage sales and Craigslist....I buy all sorts of crap that I either turn into something else or I stock pile tons of crap just knowing one day my friend will need to buy a vintage silver purse and TA DA!!!! I just happen to have one....told you I was off....anyways....somehow in all of this I got my toddler addicted to purses and wallets and almost everytime we enter any store she picks out a purse and a wallet to carry around and if they are cheap enough she gets one....well one day I went to this shopping plaza a few cities away and was super stoked because it had a thrift shop and a Goodwill...fucking sweet!!!!! I get the double stroller out....get the kids all situated and make my way into the thrift shop....but like the second I enter the store everything goes friggen haywire....it's filled with old ladies....we all know I hate old people...the place is really tiny cuz it's under construction so pushing my stretch limo of a stroller is next to impossible and the baby decided to shit her pants....my hubby who is me with finds the bathroom to change her but there is no changing table so he has to lay her on the floor on top of like a million paper towels and then proceeds to change my loudly screaming infant.....did I mention it's like 276 degrees???? The old ladies actually start pounding on the bathroom door asking if the baby is ok....like he's in there beating her and then going to tell them...No...She's bleeding to death please come back in an hour...stupid old bats.....as I'm trying to maneuver the stroller around so I can just fucking leave I knock over a basket of silverware....nice ....so we just say screw it and leave.
Assuming we will have a better time at the Goodwill we go there....yay...nice big aisles.....the air is on and there are fewer nearly dead people shuffling around.....as I start to look at stuff I realize my toddler has not started screaming for a purse so I look down to find her playing with a hot pink wallet....she catches my eye...holds up the wallet and yells "Momma look at my wallet!"....and it hits me....she shoplifted it from the thrift store....and I didn't even fucking notice!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my god...I'm going to hell....not knowing what to do I grabbed it from her and shoved it in my purse....which caused her to start yelling for purses.....sigh.
Now this is not her first time getting a five finger discount....when she was like 10 months old she stole a tape measure from a certain store that sells lumber and tools etc....we found it in her fluffy seat cover thing after we were in the car.....so...I'm pretty sure she's a career criminal. I really hope my oldest daughter marries a lawyer (because she plans on being a plastic surgeon so she will be to busy to become one herself) my toddler will most likely need the services of an experienced attorney....
Oh bye the way I went back to the thrift store...by myself...and stuck money into the donation jar....the wallet was too cute to return...they made like a 50 percent profit on it...so I don't feel too horrible :) Well...better go....gotta hit the Salvation Army....there's a sale on green tag items! No worries...."Winona" will be home with her big sissy....Peace out.

Do You See What I See????

The other day we went to drop off my teen at the mall with her friend.....then the rest of the fam and I decided to run some errands...after a long hot afternoon our last stop was Lowe's .....with the baby asleep and the toddler in a good mood I decided to wait in the car with the kids and just let the hubs run in....I guess somewhere between singing some Lady Gaga and Patty Cake I noticed my boobs were askew so I dove into the front of my pink t-shirt and started adjusting my bazoombas....with the fun bags in place I start pulling my arms out and look up to find a little old lady staring at me. Now realizing how weird this must have looked I decided to just continue to creep her out and instead of a friendly smile or just ignoring her I quickly whipped both my hands out and placed them up to face and then deeply inhaled......like it was fine wine or perhaps some sexy cologne on my hubby's neck. I took a quick peek at the old lady to find her with her hands over her mouth and a look of fright on her face....aaahhhhhh.....gotta love it! To top it off I licked my finger tip as if it were covered with sugar....this made my crypt keeper observer flee.....ha ha ha ha ha.....it doesn't get any sweeter than that....but the whole ordeal reminded me of time I was once again waiting in the car and noticed a cabby parked under a tree....he was bopping his head to some music and all of a sudden he friggen pulled out his dentures and started looking at them! He had this odd look as if something were wrong (at this point it could have been anything) and then....he licked them!!!!!! OMFG He licked his fucking false teeth...like a giant Popsicle!!!!! Gag me with a damn spoon! I squealed like a small child and covered my eyes....when I look up he had replaced his teeth and had gone back to rocking out with the radio.....I will forever be leery of cab drivers....as if I didn't think they were odd enough......I have seen The Bone Collector! Well homies better go...I'm going to CVS I hear they have a 2 for 1 on floss. Peace out!

Sticky Situation

....When you have a handful of kids...two of which are under the age of 3 and insist on sleeping with you....it really does not leave a lot of extra time for nookie....however...last night I got lucky...ha get it?? It was like 1AM and both little ones were actually in their own beds...woot woot....time for some sweet sweet hurry up quietly before one of the babies wakes up naughty monkey love.....and it was just the way I like it....me go twice and then finish him off!!!!....but....currently we are using the oh so brilliant pull out method....shut up don't judge me....my Mirena fell the fuck out and I can't remember to take the pill....so we are back to something I would never advise to any of my children.....in fact it's the reason one of my kids is even here....well...back to my story....I skamper off to the bathroom to clean up and I notice my teen is still awake....oh flippen hell...yea her bedroom door is open and TV is still on...wtf....she is never awake at this hour...so I quick grab a towel and run back to my room....I do a quick wipe down, throw my jammies back on and fall asleep. Around 3AM I have to pee....but I'm soooo tired....I try to ignore it but then I get afraid of pissing myself during a bad dream or something so I decide to just go tinkle and get it over with....I get in, shut the door and pull down my shorts....FFFFUUUUUCCCKKKK!!!!!!! Oh my god....did I just get a Brazilian wax???? Apparently I didn't get all the jizz off my bush before I put my panties on....and now I'm on my knees in the bathroom...face against the wall, tears in my eyes trying to not to scream......after I calm down and the pain has slightly decreased I crawl up onto the potty....I look down to see that my undies now look like a god damn Chia Pet! I don't even feel like dealing with them so I just take them off and throw them out.....they were ugly old grannies anyways...at least they went out with a bang....I go back to bed and make a few mental notes....get on some better birth control and first thing in the morning get the hedge clippers out and trim my vag! Well better go...I need to get an ice pack out of the freezer....my whoo hah is still throbbing....but.....not from the hair removal ;).....ya'll are jealous and you know it! Peace out!

Bathroom Bummers

So I acquired this cat...and he's awesome....however... he has this quirk...if there is even one turd in his cat box he will no longer poop in it....so...still needing to crap he decides to go dump somewhere else...usually somewhere really awesome like next to my bed or in the sink....and at first this kinda pissed me off....till I realized that this is not abnormal at all because if I needed to go drop a deuce and someone had left a floater for me I would be highly annoyed!!!!! I too would find another place to unload my sha-doub...ya'll know what I mean...you go into the bathroom at Target or something and your Starbucks has just kicked in and you have to venti your mocha chino....you push open a stall door and BLAH a giant poop slurrie in the bowl....no effin thanks...so now you scoot two doors down and find some nasty whore left a tampon in that one....two doors down again and thank God a clean one....you skamper in to find the friggen door doesn't lock but your turtle head is about to see daylight so you decide drop trow and try to hold the door shut with your leg....that's when the fire typhoon comes blazing out of your ass along with a fart parade to the tune of 76 Trombones.....and at this point you could care the fuck less who hears because that whole mess could have been in let free your capri pants...the only thing that now separates me from the picky pussycat is he can shit on the rug by the front door and I can't....well that and I clean my butthole with extra soft toilet paper instead of my tongue....well gotta go....I'm gathering my pennies so I can purchase one of those self cleaning cat boxes that rakes the tootsie rolls up after each use....and perhaps one of those extend a hand gadgets to flush the potty for me if there are any unavailable clean potties next time I'm out and about to shit myself. Peace out!

Making Mouths Happy

I have decided that there needs to be Mentos mints for your asshole.....I'm sure gay men everywhere would agree with me....and also some little breath strip things for the vagina.....you know how it goes....we get all showered and shaved, dressed up, hair and makeup done....etc...then we go out, eat dinner have drinks....maybe dance a little ....next thing you know hours have gone by and your taco and buttcrack are a smidge bit sweaty and now you are not so sure that your undercarriage is ready for some quality face time....what do you do??? Personally I break out the baby wipes and hope for the best...but not everyone is as thoughtful as I am and...not everyone has a purse as big as I do....wouldn't it be great if you had a little packet that could fit in your pocket or stylish clutch that held a clam cleaner and rear entrance refresher???? Right before you leave to go sit on a chin you just stick a Tic Tac sized magic pellet into your booty and lay a little pussy pleaser strip down and away you go worry free....Tell me the truth all you labia lickers out there.....a minty whiff coming out from those lacy panties would be nice right????....and probably make you more apt to do a thorough job right?????? And we all know that there is not a damn soul out there that is willing to tongue tickle to a crusty smelling cornhole.....
So, I'm going to get together with the makers of KY and Orbitz Gum and see what we can come up with....untill then...be a thoughtful sexual partner and carry some wetnaps or something. Oh hell...I almost forgot...stinky balls...I'm afraid there is not a whole lot of advice I can give you other then keep your berries groomed...spray a little deodorant on them before you leave the house and if you are lucky your conquest will spill a beer on your crotch.....maybe we could come up with a mini tree air freshener you hang in your boxers (good for 4-6 weeks bitches!)....hmmmm.....that's really not a horrible idea...just hang it on the button of your britches or around your dick and whoowaahhh your all set.....lmfao.....I'm sorry I'm just picturing what it would be like to rip my husband pants down and start to gobble on his knob to find that his nuts smelled like a brand new car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Peace Out!