He's Just Not That In & Out Of You

Husbands always want sex....always...always....like all the time....anywhere...tired or not, hungry or full, set on fire or drowning in the deep end....so to the few of you ladies out there who are having trouble getting your husband into the sack there are only 4 reasons he's not boxing your glove. You should know that it does not matter if you are awesome at sex or not...if you are awake and willing that's enough....sometimes you don't even really need to be awake...just aware enough to say "just hurry up"...he will do all the work after that....so....here it is...and it's not nice...but let's just get honest here....
Reason number 1...his dick doesn't work....he may need the little blue pill and is a fucking dumbass who is too embarrassed and wont go get it from the doc.
Reason number 2.....he's cheating on you....now this is only true if he's in love with his girlfriend and does not want to cheat on her with you...twisted right??? If it's just side pussy he will still fuck you but most likely only in the morning....there will no longer be afternoon cha cha cuz he's in the back of your minivan spanking the nanny.
Reason number 3...he's gay....
Reason number 4.....your clam has sat in the sun too long....he may wish to moo shoo your pork but the thought of your smelly old egg salad just makes him sick......and he certainly isn't going downtown for dinner if your takeout is nasty.
So....what to do???? Go the gyno and make sure your vag is ok...then buy some soap....if that isn't it...check his porn....you can tell a lot about what they like by porn they view....if there is boys in bowties you are barking up the wrong cock.....if its all tits then hack his blackberry.....Jerry from the gym is really Maria from the beauty salon and she's definitely teasing his pubes. No mistress???? His hose wont spray....he needs you to just come out and say HEY FIX YOUR SHIT..if he is worried and being a big baby etc maybe promise him some butt sex...he will be at the doctor first thing in the morning. Hope this helps....if not....get a dildo...Peace Out.

Pee-ter Pants

I don't care how many of those vagina squeezy exercise things I do...I can't not piss myself when I barf. This is how my hubby knows that I will never suffer from bulimia. I'm pretty sure after a certain amount of babies sitting on and stretching out all my plumbing that I will never be normal again. You know what else is not normal???? My boobies.....they are all fucked up now....no perky adorable little cupcakes....nooooooo.....more like old worn out gym socks....its so not fair....boob milk is suppose to be awesome for your children and so here I gave in with my second child and endured chapped, bloody nipples and not so fun teething time...don't forget all the pervs that tried to sneak a peek when I was in public....and what did I get in return?????? UGLY ALIEN TITS! After all of that work Mother Nature should have given me the rack of god damn porn star.....wtf?
You know what really jacks my balls??? All these stupid daytime talk shows with some asshole saying stuff like...just because you are a mom doesn't mean you have to be frumpy.....listen here fruitcake....yes it does....at least for those of us without nanny backup or maids.....I don't even get a chance to shower everyday much less shop to find some super cute blouse for my baby to puke all over. Did you know I was driving for 5 miles today before I realized I had poop on my sleeve???? Yea....that's right poop...not just a little random ball of poop....no....the whipped peanut butter kind of poop.....yea...and I had just used my last travel wipe on the baby so...I got to run around smelling like damn homeless person all afternoon. Good times. Then they daytime givers of lame and bullshit advice hit us with makeup and hair tips....um....I don't remember the last time I even brushed my hair...what is the point...it's going to have mac n cheese in it within an hour and it's up in a bun at all times anyway...stupid bitch if I had time to do hair and makeup everyday I would probably just do the mountain of laundry lurking in the corner or the never ending dishes....nah...let's be real....I wouldn't...I would pass the hell out....I haven't slept normal in like 257 years....I take every chance I get to snooze. I fell asleep the other day waiting in the car for my daughter...no worries....I was in park....but I felt stupid when I woke myself up by snoring.....oh well...could have been worse.....one time I fell asleep during a LeAnn Rimes concert on New Years Eve....yea...had a sitter...got all dressed up....thousands of people cheering and I'm fast asleep.....my friend (who had no kids) was not really pleased.....oh well....life with kids is an adventure....just not a glamorous one....So till all of the children are in college I will rock my sweats and slippers and pray to God that I don't smell something that makes me puke. Peace out!

Sew Wondering Why Do I Bother???

Anyone ever do anything for your kids that you know is a waste of time and in the long run they won't really appreciate anyway??? Like for my toddler it's homemade mac n cheese....I know she loves it and she will eat it....but 15 years from now....like it's going to mean anything....she will never remember what type of mac n cheese she at as a very small child....so why bother right????
And right now for this exact moment in the world.....my waste of time is the friggen Halloween costume I am constructing for the baby. It's really just working my last nerve....my string keeps snapping...I'm sort of working in the dark and I almost cut the tip of my right thumb off....I'm fairly certain before the night is over my sewing machine will find it's way outside and into the street...then it's smartass will find my car running it over....and over and over some more. Why does the baby need a home created costume anyway???? Why am wasting time and effort on a costume she won't really care about? A cute costume is a cute costume who cares if it was purchased or made???? Did I think by sewing it myself that she would love me more or that other parents would look at me and think...Wow what an amazing mother....she took the time to think of and fashion a really great costume for her child??? I'm soooooooo fucking stupid....no parents think this....and you do you want to know why??? Because they are too busy chasing their own rabid, hopped up on cheap candy, insane children! They will never ever notice the costume I have spent hours on...that I have spilled my own blood on....the outfit that has caused me to sit under my desk and swill wine like a homeless person while quietly sobbing on....sigh. You ask....why continue??? Why not just go buy one.....well...I have so much money and effort into this mother fucker to quit....and I now intend to wrap the bitch up and give it to my child on their wedding day....and make them look at every stitch and every fabric and every little blood stain that went into this mentally scarring, life sucking costume....it can be the something old....and if by chance my darling child does not appreciate my work....I will so effin load the wedding cake and all the bottles of champagne into my car and peel out of the parking lot while waiving my middle finger in the air. Whhheeewwww I feel better...now if you will excuse me...I have some more sewing to do...how much you wanna bet that by morning I have busted out the hot glue gun and said fuck it???? Peace Out!

Candyland

My adorable toddler the thief.....I know I have already written about her shoplifting....however I need to share...it's my form or therapy and with all her little adventures in the stores that I have to keep paying for I can't afford a shrink so I vent to y'all about it. A few weeks ago we were at a large store....you know one of those that sells a bit of everything....while I was looking at patterns for Halloween costumes my adventurous toddler decides to haul ass down and around another aisle so my teen went running after her...they come back and my toddler is desperately clinging to a bag of bright pink jordan almonds...frustrated we put her in the cart and told her she could hold onto them.....about 13 seconds later I look at her and her friggen cheeks are all puffed out like a roided out squirrel and she's chewing vigorously on something! I grab the bag out of her hands and it wasn't opened so I shove my fingers in her mouth and start to pry whatever is in there out only to find like 13 jordan almonds!!! WTF?!.....I asked her did you open the bag??? She just smiles at me with that look....you know like the one men give you after they have just farted under the sheets.....so I start looking the bag over again and finally found a tiny opening right in a crease.....I think dang how did she get all those out of the bag and in her mouth in that little amount of time....but I'm like whatever we will just buy them.....well that was till I found out that were $9.00....are you serious????? It's crappy stale wedding candy....you have got to be pulling my dick....I can buy two pizzas for that and feed the whole family....nine bucks....I know hookers that charge less then that for a bj......(no I will not forward that info on to you so don't ask!) I felt like not feeding her for a day to pay for the damn almonds....but she would just start gnawing on my arm and my ER co-pay is like 75 bucks so it's totally not worth it.....moral of the story....duct tape you children's hands together when you are shopping...or perhaps keep them in the cart to begin with...but I like the duct tape thing better because it takes up less room in the cart and I need the space for my boxes of wine and Twinkies....Peace out!

Warning....This Is About Sex Organs!

So...the other day I was going threw this sex toy catalouge....I was doing research...(LOL...take that how you want to) and I came across this adorable battery operated vagina. It was a really pretty shade of pink and almost looked like a flower....I said to my husband...Babe look at this adorable fake vagina...he glances over and says...Oh yea...that's what yours looks like...then he continues with whatever he was doing. I just sat there with that....hubby say what...look...you know, one eyebrow cocked and mouth half open....thinking he's smoking crack. Here's the deal--- I have given birth to two children...after the first one I had approx. 30 stitches...and the second one needed help getting out so my lovely doc went in elbow deep to pull her out...you just can't come back from that!!!! I do my own gardening...and trust me my whoo haa looks nothing like a pretty pink orchid...it looks more like a chipmunk that got run over. The only beautiful thing about it... is that it still works. Think about it...if that kind of trauma happened to your ear...it wouldn't friggen work anymore...the doctors would fill it with spackle (or whatever doctors use) and tell you to wear your hair long.....but when your juice box get's damaged they tell you to do some kegels and your all better....and it's true....tight as spandex on a drag queen once again...just not as attractive. But you know what rocks??? My hubby still loves my girly bits and can't get enough of it! I thank the inventor of the light switch....what you can't see won't scare the crap out of you. LOL Have a great day.

Read If You Can't Get Any!

(huff)....I am so over hearing from my single girlfriends about how they can't get laid.....shut up...if you have a vagina....you can get sex. The problem with these chicks is they really want more than a shag...or...they are to picky about who they want to roll around with. If you honestly just need to get down and boogie then I tell you my friends it's possible....but stop being a retard....Don't expect the sexiest man alive to be out and about on the exact same night you feel like dropping your panties. Don't expect this guy to be single. Don't talk to much....stupid stupid stupid....all they want is enough chit chat to make sure you are on the same page...page 69 they don't care why you are out or how your cat is...or even your last name...and for the love of flavored condoms do not talk about your ex! Now...to catch a one night bed buddy...dress the part.....no super vampy outfit...they will assume you are out of the question....however...not to casual either....nice jeans and cute top....shoes...well roll with whatever you want just nothing to masculine....it freaks them out. DON'T BE FRUMPY.....no one wants to bang the frump girl....yuck.
Now that you have picked out a guy to get crazy with....here are some rules....never go to your place....you don't want them knowing where you live or worse....wanting to use your shower in the morning...gross. When you walk in the door....stop speaking all together.....you might bore them to death and they will fall asleep...most likely he's had a few drinks....so stop drinking too or you will have to deal with whiskey dick....no fun. DO NOT give him a blow job.....if he blows his load there is no need for him to try and please you....so just knock him down and hop on. Do not look around his place and try to figure out what kind of guy he is...that is not why you are there....get yours and go! Don't have any after talk other than “call me a cab” and “I know I was awesome...shut up”.
Most of you ladies out there lie....the I just want sex line is bull...you want a man...and you try to turn a one nighter into a relationship and then get your feelings hurt....make sure you are ready for a relationship....meaning the thought of your exes don't send you into panic attacks or tears....you are not still married...and you are comfortable with yourself alone until you find the right guy.
I know....I have been in your shoes before...more than once...so learn from my mistakes. There is no Mr. Perfect....just Mr. Perfect For You. Your ideas of what you want are probly not what you need so do some thinking.....and while you are at it...look in the mirror.....are you really girlfriend material???? Last but not least stop asking me what is wrong with you....because from now on...I am going to tell you. Have a great day....be safe and text me all the details of your scandalous adventures the next morning.....

Vagina On The Rocks

I think it's funny when people don't like to use certain words....Like VAGINA....it cracks me up that they are so uncomfortable with it. Don't get me wrong I like nick names too...whoo hah, clam and furry burger are all great but sometimes they just don't have the same feel as VAGINA. Let's face it a vagina is something everyone likes....I like mine.....I like having it I like using it and it gives me a feeling of power (however wrong that may be lol). My husband likes my vagina even more than I do!!!!! So unless you are a gay man everyone else loves vaginas too....so why are so many people weird about it? I think vagina should be a paint color....your husband asks you what color he should paint the kid's playhouse....Oh I don't know, vagina pink would be nice. Or what color do you want your engagement cake to be....a lovely shade of vagina would soooo go with all the centerpieces!
Vagina should also be the name of a popular adult beverage......(ok here is where you find out why I need a job, I think of weird stuff all the time)....here is the scenario for the drink:

A lonely pilot (I had to use a pilot so my buddy would appreciate this story) just got home from a long flight on a Friday night....he's walking around town trying to not go home to his boring empty apartment....he passes a bar he realizes he's never been in so he takes a peek in threw the window...It's charming and quiet...wood floors, old fashioned bar, a few dart boards and the hottest bartender he's ever seen. He takes a deep breath and goes inside...there's a few guys at the bar but a nice open spot at the end....he walks up and takes a look at her....he can hardly contain his erection...she's about 5"7 long gorgeous hair, lush full lips, huge amazing boobs and those sexy smokey fuck me eyes....she sees him and smiles, he tries not to look like an asshole so he nods....she walks over and asks him what he wants and then winks at him...he orders a sweet wet vagina....she bites her lip and proceeds to mix his drink...she asks him...do you want to put anything into it?...he says oh yes..so she drops in two maraschino cherries and smiles....then she leans her breasts into the bar and slowly starts to push the vagina towards him and says....that's $35.00....the pilot all of sudden jumps back and yells $35.00!!!! I can make one at home for free!!! The bartender yells back....this is top shelf motherfucker! Go ahead home and enjoy your cheap shit alone! He then realizes she's right....enjoying a self made vagina by yourself is not the same as going out and getting a good one from a pro...he drops to his knees and begs....I'm sorry...I was stupid I really want your vagina! She tells him to go and stop wasting her time. He leaves...he looks back in the window and sees another man licking the sweet sugar off the rim of what was suppose to be his perfect vagina...he walks home almost in tears down the cold dark road and realizes.....a good vagina is priceless.

See...told ya I need a job...lol Don't forget to tip your waitresses!