"Goodwill Hunting"

Anyone ever have Thrift Store Sex???? You know...when you just need a sure fire lay so you go to the bar...find the lonely, sad, obviously freshly dumped sack of sadness perched on a barstool. They still have a few tears in their eyes and cell phone clenched in their hand just in case the ex decides to call saying they have changed their minds...oh...just to make sure you are not about to proposition someone who got fired your future ugly bumper will have some sort of weird ass drink sitting in front of them like a Mai Tai or Amaretto Sour.....they think it makes them look interesting and fun to chat with... Also, they are trying very hard to look put together, even though they want to be in dirty jammies on the couch in a Valium coma...but in an effort to find validation their hair is done perfectly, they have nice shoes and new pants/skirt, but they are still wearing either his old college sweatshirt or the gay ass microfiber long sleeve she gave him for Christmas (not sure why you would want to be with an asshole that gave you such an awful shirt...what a toad).....there they sit with nervous finger tapping and weak smiles...in desperate need of someone to make them feel worth something now that they have been cast aside like a crappy jewelry box or a broken rotisserie oven....they have now become...thrift store fodder. This my friend is the easiest way to get you some sweet sweet nookie.....and all it takes is a wink and for you to ask them something...anything...it really does not matter.....I would go with either what they do for a living or if they are from a soap opera....then like a wonderful gift from God all of a sudden their need to have sex is launched like Nasa space shuttle and trust me....they are pleasers! For some reason they use every trick they know of, have done, have read about or thought about doing....trying to prove (to themselves mostly) that it definitely wasn't the sex that made their significant others jump ship...and if you drink plenty of Gatorade...you usually score 3 good romps before leaving at dawn with a sore shoulder and broken toe (ceiling fans are a bitch!)....Now listen up.... this is where you need to be exceptionally careful....bagging a thrift store piece of ass can go terribly wrong....75% of the time you will endure a 3 week stalking period....and if you want to use and abuse this "privilege"...well it makes you a giant asshole but so did the initial act of picking up sloppy seconds at the local watering hole so what's 3 more weeks???? Your conquest (AKA target so easy you didn't even need to brush your teeth) will do just about anything for your attention...they will empty their bank accounts and whisk you away to Vegas...they will cut your grass, pick up your dry cleaning and bake you a pie......they will also initiate insane sexual stunts (indoors, outdoors, leather, costumes and electric fly swatter).....BUT..... it comes with the creepy stuff....homemade paper mache sculptures of you and them together under a heart shaped archway, t-shirts with your pics on them that read "forever" and you being monitored like ADT through your office windows from a tree across the street with 500.00 newly acquired binoculars....so, if that is not your fancy, you can always go for the totally ignore them route....you will still get stalked and your car tires may get slashed (more then once) but that's just part of the territory...either way, keep an eye on your pet rabbit.
I bet you are wondering about the other 25%....ok....some of these crushed, sad souls just need that one night of happiness...that 4 hours of feeling good and knowing someone wanted them and then they become your genuine friend...ya'll will meet for coffee once a month...maybe catch a movie from time to time and chat on Facebook late at night when you can't sleep. One day they will meet the real person of their dreams and you will honestly be happy for them....and now every time you see a second hand store you will reminisce about them and smile to yourself...I know anytime I drive by a Salvation Army I think about...............................oops sorry technical difficulties. Happy shopping! Peace Out!

Should Have Been A Crazy Cat Lady....

Sunday....a family day....and today was kind of lazy day for me as I was getting over a bad pizza...that's not what I'm here to discuss...it was terrible terrible time....it was worse then finding a dead body in a port-a-potty on a hot summer day...so I'm trying to forget about it....anyways....my wonderful hubby was busy making a kick ass meal in the smoker...my oldest agreed to watch the baby so I decided to take my toddler to lunch for some nice Mommy/Daughter time....in theory it sounded like a great time...however I should have known from the get go that all hell was about to break loose....as we left the house and made our way to the driveway....she tripped over her own feet and fell...not just a fall...a rolling fall....she went head over heals twice and landed all sprawled out with her leg up on the trash can...poor thing...I pick her up, get her dusted off and I set her next to me...I go to open my door so that I can put my purse and phone down...not realizing she had moved and I banged her in the fucking head!!!!!!! She starts bawling and yelling "Mamma why did you do that?! Why did you hurt my head?!"...I felt so awful...I'm a really sucky mom...I hug her and kiss her...get her buckled into her seat and away we go....we get to our fine dining destination of McDonald's...she's stoked...she LOVES fries...I have the worst service ever....but that is a whole other blog....as I am waiting for the happy meal some guy comes up to me and asks if I'm Amanda....I tell him no...he tries to apologize but my lovely daughter takes over and sticks her finger in his face while shouting "YOU GO AWAY! GET AWAY FROM MY MOM!" ...I can't help but laugh a little....so we find ourselves a nice little booth and start eating....we are talking and being silly....till the same man walked by our table to get to the garbage....and my toddler threw her drink at him....yep...before I could even react she grabs her drink, whips it like a varsity softball player and pegs him in the shoulder.....also while yelling "GO AWAY"....I could have crapped my pants....I didn't know what to do..my jaw dropped and I just looked at her.....then quickly started to apologize....but the dude just said it was ok and left looking like he was going to kill himself....taking his lead we packed our shit up and took off as well....I carried her to the car, set her down to open the door and she took off like friggen Flo Jo....down a hill over a curb and into the street...I drop my purse and go after her...catch her by her pigtail and pull her away right before a minivan damn near ran her over.....I'm not pleased...not pleased at all! After the near death experience, a lot of crying and me pissing in my grannies...we go to the store....and at first all is going well....I'm finding all sorts or bargains...she's holding some giant purse that she could literally fit into and we are singing some Lady Gaga (just dance, gonna be ok...doo do doo)....until my sweet little dumpling spots the dressing rooms....once again she's gone....she gets inside one and locks herself in....at first she's laughing with extreme delight....till she can't unlock the god forsaken thing and she starts to panic....now I have to drop my fat ass to the ground and try to crawl underneath....this sucks balls...I weigh 250lbs....do you know how hard it is to squeeze that amount of fat threw a 6 inch opening???!!!! Well...I did succeed...and as the fitting room door opens she tries to take off again....this time I just grab her up and leave...she's screaming about how she want to shop and that she will be good....but I know better....because she's Satan and Satan will tell you anything (oh eat the apple...it's no biggie or mommy I will hold your hand...nothing but total bullshit)....the lucky for me part was that there was a gentlemen leaving at the exact same time with a small child who was also having a level 10 tantrum...he looks at me and says "why do I even try?".........you know misery loves company....but that's when I realized....boarding school is definitely in my daughter's near future....I think I have had enough family time for one day...I need some Tylenol and a glass of wine....and maybe a tazer for the next outing...just to keep my nutjob in check....Yes I am dumb enough to go out again...I really wanted this hot purse I saw at the store....but this time my rabid child will be sporting an adorable pink straight jacket and a bedazzled muzzle....Peace Out!

Boogers And Poopy And Vomit Oh My!

You can always tell a non-parent from a parent....and it's so much fun to mess with them....every time I sniff my kid's ass to see if she has poop a non-parent gets this most horrified look on their face. I love it. However....could you tell me a better way???? I have seen other parents actually stick their finger into the diaper....are you friggen kidding me???!!! I mean getting some doo doo on you from time to time is a part of life as a parent but to go digging for turds.....you have lost your diaper changing mind! I sometimes look....if the outfit is willing....but sometimes the little tootsie rolls are hidden in the buttcrack so I prefer the sniff method....it's not like I inhale deeply like I would on a Sharpie.....just a little whiff will do..besides...it's not the only stinky thing babies have for you...puke...sweaty underchin....and awesome formula burps....all super fab scents....babies are like little drunken frat guys....they eat, shit and smell....and can't dress themselves.....they just cost less in bail money....and they don't steal your car...but pretty much picture your first college boyfriend and there you go. Just this morning my darling little one woke me up by pissing on me...that's right....after an early morning bottle we fell asleep all snuggled up...and then she exceeded pee limit in the diaper and urinated all over me and my new Egyptian cotton.....sigh....oh well....probably won't be the only member of the family to whizz on them...especially if I get knocked up again....and as far as fluids a baby gets on you....a little pee is really not a biggie....just wait till they yack up some sweet potatoes in your hair....now that's a good time ;)
Ok...bye the way all you non-parents...here's the deal...just because my kids are screaming and throwing shit...I'm not leaving the store....do you know what a pain in the ass it is to load up 8 million kids, a double stroller and a few diaper bags???? yea...it's easier for you to leave and come back later so fuck off....I need my juice boxes and gummy snacks or the little buggers will set my kitchen on fire....and when you come into the bathroom and heaven forbid I am changing my child on the diaper thing....shut the fuck up!!!! Little comments like....do that in the car or could you take up anymore room...only make me toss the diaper over the stall door onto your head...did you know that once upon a time you were a baby and you too crapped your pants???? Do you think your mother really appreciated those snippy comments??? Yea...think about dillhole!
Oh and non-parents...it is never ever ever ok to touch our children...I know you think how fun it would be to pinch the chubby cheeks or tickle the little toes...but you will get beaten to death....we all fear the worst when out in public.....that some sicko is going to make off with our kids and do horrible things to them....so if you move in on our precious poopers we will kill you and we will have the help of other parents and you will need your dental records....just a warning.
One more thing...when my toddler is screaming for a sucker and I appear to be ignoring her....stay the hell out of it.....maybe she didn't eat lunch...or maybe she just had one or maybe just maybe I had to cut a chunk of hair off that the last blue sucker stained...so....when you think hey...what's the big deal it's just a sucker....you try prying one off the back of your headrest and see if you feel they need another one....piss off!
NOW...onto the Super-parents....ya'll suck....no kids are perfect and mine....well they don't have a chance in hell in coming close....I don't want your advice on how to quiet a tantrum or how to teach the inside voice....I've tried that..the apple does not fall far from the tree so the best I can hope for is no juvi....
Well...better go...the toddler is wedged under my bed and the Hannah Montana movie is about to end so she's going to notice she's stuck... Peace out!

I should have a real job...but this is more fun...

One of my hobbies is sewing...and when I say sewing I mean....tacking shit together for the fun of it....I have no talent and no idea what I'm doing....but I enjoy pretending. One of my recent projects was this moo moo....I bought it at Goodwill for $2.99...I altered the length and the sleeves...made a dorky belt for color and stuck some tulle on the bottom for that junior high semi-formal look...I will add tulle to just about anything...it's like my fav thing....well that and glitter :) Anywhooo....just thought I would share my stuff with you.....sorry the pics didn't turn out...kinda dark...however you get the idea!
Better go...I'm working on a leather monocle/face mask thing.....it's pretty groovy....but I doubt I will be wearing it to parent pickup! Peace out :)

Yes...You Are An Idiot

You know what I hate???? Stupid dumb bitches.....like anyone that dates K-Fed or Jon Gosslin....totally deserves to get gonorrhea....it is very public that these guys are worthless turds and yet they keep finding retarded hookers to spend time with. When are women going to learn that people do not change??? They may adjust a little but come on...a shit is a shit is a shit....like me....yes I'm a shit...and most of the people in the world can not tolerate me...and few thought I could be "fixed"...well....they were way off....however after many tries (not like hundreds...but you know a couple)...I found a man that for the most part can put up with me...and he knew what he was getting into....you know why...because he wasn't fooling himself....guys usually don't....chicks on the other hand always make excuses for men....STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE.....if you need to defend a guy...then he's not worth it! I don't care if his dog just died or his ex is Satan....I don't care that he suffers from small dick syndrome....he's a douche!!!!!!! You know it too....you just don't want to believe it.....and guess what I don't feel sorry for you if you let yourself get jacked over by him....have you not learned your lesson from the last guy that stole your car and banged your hair stylist???? I understand that shit happens...but when you see it coming and you jump right in.....you deserve to paddle in the pool of crap...
You know what else I hate???? Stupid dumb bitches that ask my advice and when I give it to them they act like I am a dickhead....if you don't want to know what I think...don't ask me....I will tell you that you look fat or your hair is gay or that yes the dork you met on MySpace slightly reminds me of child molester.....so if you honestly don't want to know....then ask your cat. I'm to old for beating around the bush and with all my kids you are damn lucky I answered your call to begin with so let's not waste my time.
Now...just so you know...I'm not honest with people because I like to hurt feelings (well not the feelings of people I like)....I just think if you can't be honest with yourself....someone needs to tell you....I have thanked many a folks after it was too late and I didn't listen..so now I really do take what people have to say into consideration....I also try to not repeat history....but believe I always find new inventive ways to fuck myself over....it's a gift. I would prefer my loved ones not be screwed and perhaps take a lesson from me....cuz trust me...the school of hard knocks is not about getting banged till your toes tingle..wish I had known that before I enrolled in the class....
Life is frustrating enough...don't add to your stress by trying to find love where it's just not going to happen....and don't ever ever ever wear red spandex....that's just wrong..for everyone...all of the time....that shit should never have been invented.....
Well better go...I have an e-mail to send to Jesse James....he's going to be single soon ;) no worries....I don't want to marry the slut...I just wanna see him naked. LOL Just kidding...my husband is way hotter and much less promiscuous than that jackass! Peace out!

Sunday Funday My Ass!

Well my day yesterday was not so wonderful....and after a long day of bullshit I went to bed thinking that when I woke up it would be a fresh new awesome day...better and happier then the one I was leaving behind....well...I was way fucking wrong. Instead of the happy morning with babies giggling, birds chirping and eggs cooking....I woke up to find the dog ate something bad and dropped 3 large piles of diarrhea by the front door....thanks for barking and getting let out...asshole....oh well...then I go to roust my teen up and I find my retarded cat had coughed up and enormous nasty hairball next to her head....so I had to wake her to tell her not to move so that she wouldn't roll in it....can you imagine that drama????....I swear that girl can sleep through anything....I don't know if I feel bad for her future husband or not. Well once all that was taken care of I started to get ready for church (yes I go attend church...shut up) my makeup is on...my hair is done...I'm about to get dressed and BAM....down I go....my foot got stuck in the friggen baby gate...I over corrected and ran into the dresser and ended up face firmly planted on the ground....screaming like I was in a horror flick the whole way down....it totally sucked sack...my toes were throbbing my hip and face were hurt and my pride was a tad bit bruised....after a good cry I pulled my shit together and left....I was going to get a coffee to try and perk up a bit but nooooooo.....every other asshole in town had the same idea and the line of the drive through was like 27 cars deep...sigh...oh well....off to pray I go....I turn up the radio and and start singing some Daughtry (I'm coming home, to a place where I belong...) and the sky lets loose....bolts of lightning, loud claps of thunder and rain...lots and lots and lots of hard rain....Son of a bitch....and as per usual I was beyond late so I got the last space in the lot..so I crawled my fat ass in the back seat...which is a lot harder then it sounds...I am in a tiny little clown car...I have a huge purse and heels on...the carseat takes up most of the backseat and I have not stretched....I honestly thought I tore my butthole...however I made it without breaking any windows or honking the horn so I consider it a success....I unlatched the baby, grabbed the bottle and made a run for it....I looked like a wet well dressed cat by the time I got to the door.....and the Pastor (who is so sweet thank goodness) was just about to go in when he saw me...I apologized for being late and for dripping water all over the narthex...he just winked at me like...typical crazy lady...and let me in. Church was great...and the rain had calmed down some so I thought my day was getting better....but once again I was dead wrong....I guess I too had devoured something that did not agree with me and I ended up making several trips to turd town all afternoon....but the day was not all lost....I got to read my new Marie Claire magazine while sitting on the pot and found if I lean against the sink with a balled up towel for a pillow I can almost fall asleep while crapping myself to death. I also decided I want an ottoman for the bathroom....one that has a plug in for my cell phone (I Facebook while whizzing) and a place for the magazines.....I think lots of folks would buy an ottoman for the the potty....I will call it a Pottaman...and they will come in a variety of colors and a free bottle of jasmine scented hand sanitizer....
Anyways....I gotta go...my toddler got ahold of a jar of vapor rub...and well...we are all breathing much better.....now to try and get it out of her hair.....I really think it should be stylish for little girls to be bald!!!!! Peace out!

Eye am so annoyed.....

Grrrrrrrr.......I'm so fucking tired of my god awful unibrow!!!!!!!! It's constant upkeep...I wax, tweeze and even use that stinky cream and two hours later...it's back...I'm like friggen teen wolf...except I'm middle aged...and a female....and now to top it off my youngest child is going to hate me...it has become evident that she has also inherited the fuzzy brow gene....awesome....now I know what you are thinking...just get laser....well I would but...I have 8 million kids...so....that's on the bottom of the list of things to get....right under boob job... yes I would prefer to get big giant bajungas....why????....cuz no one will be looking at my eyes if I have huge amazing tits...duh. Back in the day when I didn't have a pack of evil yet adorable spawn...it wasn't as awful...I could take time everyday to groom my Bert & Ernie brow but now I only get to it like once a week....which sucks....and I pretty much need a flippen garden weasel to tame it...then...last time I got to it...I had some wine first...and now they are all jenked...and one is pretty much a half an inch shorter than the other...on the upside they get so damn long so fast I can just do a brow comb over.....I'm like the Donald Trump of brow land...
A few years ago I was complaining to my Grandmother about it...and asked why I was the only one in the family who had this issue...and she starts chuckling at me....then proceeds to tell me she had electrolysis done when she was in her 40's.....nice...all these years I thought I was a freak (no comments needed from ya'll) and here it was all her fault! So...I think I should do some sort of beatify the planet fundraiser and get my eye-stash corrected.....I would do a car wash but no one wants to see this all pressed up against a hood of a car...however I could use my eyebrows as a chamois.... I don't bake and I'm pretty sure no one wants to buy Pop Tarts from me....sooooo I need some better ideas....I could go door to door selling candy bars...but we all know I'm not hoofing my fat ass around the neighborhood trying to pawn off chocolate....I would however get a bottle of screw top wine, a chick flick and enjoy the candy much like I enjoy my husband....fast and crazy...I could put on a talent show...but my talents are limited and mostly naughty....I don't want to end up in jail with my man-like unibrow becoming some gangsta bitches boyfriend....bleh...so for the moment I'm at a loss.....and now ya'll know why I wear big weird sunglasses everywhere....Well...better go....I'm trying to design a cute piece of jewelry that covers the brows that will be accepted by general public and not just the circus....however in the mean time I need to run to Sally Beauty Supply and see if they have a mini blow torch...maybe I can singe it just enough that it wont come back. Burn Mother Fucker Burn!!!! Peace out!