Sunday, August 12, 2012
Apparently I have terrible text etiquette....but that shouldn't shock most of you since in general I have poor life etiquette at best. I get a lot of...why didn't you text me back? Here's the deal....there are 5 reasons I may not have gotten back to your text... 1. I just assumed the conversation was over. Example: YOU: Hey ME: Wud Up? YOU: Going to the store. ME: Buy me some chips YOU: lol.....................at this point I think we are done....like you are really going to buy me a bag of Ruffles and unless you wanted advice on something...which you should have included in the 2nd text... then there isn't a lot more to say. 2. I'm annoyed at you. This usually only applies to men....males tend to say stupid things on accident and so I just ignore them for awhile..... 3. I got distracted.....this is the 2nd most common reason I didn't return your text....I saw it pop up but then the dog peed in the hall or the kids stepped on a Capri Sun, a commercial I like came on the TV, I saw something sparkly....the list goes on and on and on....then 9 hours later I remembered you sent a text and by then it's like....whatever. So if it's important....text again.....super simple. 4. My phone died....this is the most common reason...I have 2 batteries and I blow that shit up quick....my phone is always dead....always always always.....always.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Women do stupid things to make themselves feel pretty.....I am a woman and I do stupid shit all the time....I pay money to get my hair a certain color, I get tattoos, I squeeze my feet into pointy, ill fitting high heels, I wear uncomfortable bras to make me look like my boobs don't hang at my hips and now my most stupid attempt to feel amazing was having my vagina waxed. Yep....I paid some chick to rip the hair out of my girl parts. What the fuck?????? Why not just trim it??? Several reasons....you have 2 small children, 3 cats and a dog run in and out of the bathroom while trying to clean up your lady parts and tell me if you can do a great job.....or much less be as clumsy as I am and not take a chunk out (ouch).....plus...it feels all prickly within days and then when I take my panties down it's like peeling a cactus off of a sheep. So...yea a Brazilian sounded like a great idea. Till I got to the salon......where I was greeted by a tiny, young gorgeous lady...yea....like I want her to see my wounded underworld....I've had 3 large babies...it's not exactly the Garden Of Eden down there. Oh well...I drop my bottoms and get on the table....she asks me what I want....meaning bald eagle, Bermuda triangle or a landing strip....I went for the landing strip...the thought of looking like a 7 year old down there made me feel creepy. On goes the wax....it was warm and almost comforting...till she ripped the cloth of death off my coo coo and I yelled some sort of obscenity and tried to punch her. Luckily she jumped out of the way....at least I knew what to expect the rest of the time....or so I thought. Ok...so.....we get the top part done....then she tells me to grab my knees and pull them up to my head. Um....could you buy me dinner first????? What the fuck is this....birthing class?!?! But I had already done this much...what the heck right? So I do...and thank sweet Jesus she was quick....I screamed like a little bitch :( but it was done and over with.....I got up and started putting my stuff on...when she asked if I wanted my....um....back door area done....I told her FUCK NO....and continued putting my clothes on. You know what really annoyed me??? The tranquil music playing in the background...stop trying to lull me into a calm state....you can not be relaxed for something like this....you need to amped up and prepared...it's like when you get shot in the woods and you need to slam a half a bottle of whiskey and bite down on a tree branch while your friend digs the fucking bullet out.....play me some Nine Inch Nails and hand me some tequila god damn it!!! Will I go back in six weeks to have it done again????? HELL YES I WILL....when I got home and saw my gorgeous vagina it was sooooo worth it....next time I will be drunk...so I will need a sober cab....cuz I'm gonna suck down a few rum and cokes but pretty pink parts is way worth it!