Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I Only Bruised My Ego & Elbow & Leg & Hip Etc...

I'm sure I have mentioned from time to time that I am a major big time. You know how that freak Teri Hatcher was always falling in bushes and stuff on Desperate Housewives??? Yea....I make her look like a ballerina.....just in the last 48 hours I have gotten my foot stuck in my own pants causing me to fall into the baby gate which resulted in my landing on a plastic princess dress up shoe with my neck. Later that evening I was crossing over the same gate and I stepped on my cat's me not wanting to kill him I just dropped....but that meant my girly bits took a direct smack onto the baby gate....I really don't need the use of my vagina right????
But it gets better....the next evening we had lots of freezing rain and since I didn't want my hubby to fall and die the next morning on his way to work I decided to go toss some salt down....however I only got has far as the second step and BOOM down I went....landing somehow on my knee, toosh and big toe...not to mention my hands got all ripped trying to save myself from there I was laying in the rain on the ice...screaming for my husband to come help me....but he didn't hear me so I had to drag my fat broken ass into the house....I was bruised and bloody within seconds.....awesome. Well the salting would have been a stupid effort anyways because we woke up to like 4 inches of heavy wet hubbs shoveled before he left for work but since more fell I decided I would go and do it again.....I did pretty good...only slipped twice but as I was trying to scoop some snow off the stairs I hit my foot with the shovel....OH MY hurt and the of coarse I slipped and fell on my face. To add insult to injury some super sweet asstard honked at me.....thanks buddy.
My Grandmother always joked about just wrapping me in cotton and keeping me locked in my room....I'm starting to think she was brilliant.
Well better go....for some reason I am going to take the kiddos out to play in the snow....but first I need to order one of those life alert things....Help I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up! Peace Out.

Wordless Wednesday 02/29/12

Friday, February 3, 2012

Take Me Drunk, I'm Home

Ever been so drunk that you ask a complete stranger to hold your purse so that you can go try to have sex with your husband who is pissed off at you in the parking lot of bar...only to realize you are too drunk to get down the three whole stairs so you change your mind??? either but my friend and I totally witnessed that last week....hahahahahahah....this lady who ended up being the talk of the local watering hole was just a hot damn mess....first she asked us if this guy that was walking away from us was hot....we both not at all...not our type....she lost her mind....saying "he's so damn sexy" etc....come to find out it was her husband....and here we both just ragged on him lol...oops....dumb drunk bitch shouldn't have asked. He eventually came back into the bar to try and get her home but by then she had decided that she was just going to make an evening of hitting on people and was the best free entertainment ever....but the absolute fav was when she dragged a blind man out onto the dance floor and made him dip her....but she fell to the ground and almost dragged him down with her.....we seriously almost pissed our pants. The blind guy had it coming...he was a bit of a creepo friend had offered to help him earlier only to hear about cocaine and malpractice law suits etc and I was sort of afraid he was going to try and grab her boobs and pretend he was just trying to shake hands.....this is why I am not a good Samaritan....people try to fuck you....take that however you like. Moral of the story....drunk bitches are fucking hysterical....this is why I only get loaded at home....too many assholes with smart phones uploading shit to YouTube these days.....damn...why didn't we video her????? Well gotta go....I'm out of boxed wine and I need to hide my Flip camera in case the hubby tries to record me doing my Yoda impression again. Peace Out!