Sunday, January 22, 2012

Not So Crafty Bitch

I feel like a giant idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I decided I NEEDED to have the kids help me make one of those melted crayon projects for one of my windows. You know a bunch of crayon shavings melted between wax I bought a box of cheap crayons...found my iron and pulled out the wax paper....then I just fucking stood there wondering how to shave the crayons....first I whittled at them with a butter knife but that went to slow...then I used a box cutter but only ended up chopping my crayons into bits...then I got a "great" ideal...I would use the cheese worked...and it was quick!!! woot woot....until I was done and realized I completely hosed my kitchen utensil....FAIL!

To make matters worse....just today (a week after the incident) I was checking out blogs and saw that someone else was doing a similar project so I had to see how they shaved their crayons (tee hee...that sounds dirty)....that's when it happened....the moment I had to come to terms with the fact that I am mentally challenged...I wanted to die....I started to cry...which quickly turned to laughter at my stupidity. Do you know what normal people use to get crayon shavings???? I'm sure you do....because chances are you are not retarded like I am. They used a motherfucking pencil sharpener! Yep....DUH....why did I not think of this???? I am so ashamed of myself...but apparently not enough to no share my blunder with y'all. Hope you are having a good laugh at my expense....otherwise this is all for nothing. Wish me luck on my next project.....Peace Out!

The finished project

Sh*t My Daughter Says

So currently my darling toddler is really talking up a storm....I love hearing her words....she has such a sweet little voice (usually) however it's not really an "inside" voice....but that is not her fault....the entire family is loud....most of the time her words are complete or close enough that you know what she is trying to say....However...she can't say the word, jacket. She just calls it a jack...kind of cute right??? Well yes except for when we go inside a store and she wants to remove her to notify me she starts yelling "JACK OFF MOMMA!" ....repeatedly until I have it has been taken off and then like 10 people are looking at us in horror and I'm laughing hysterically.....I know she's not trying to say a bad word (trust me she says, shit, just fine) but I like to let people wonder why this adorable small child is saying something so vulgar. Well...gotta go....I think I will take my sweetie pie to an old folks home for a visit....let's see if they have their hearing aids turned up! Bwahahahah! Peace Out!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Thank Goodness For Paying At The Pump!

I hate the smell of bubble gum...weird right??? But there is a reason....and it's a bit odd.....153 years ago when I was a small child I had my tonsils taken was the worst summer ever....not only did I have my first surgery but I also got the chicken pox (from my nemesis no less....I still hate that bitch) anywhoo...back to the infamous bubble gum....when I was at the hospital they let me pick out a scent that they would put into the knock out gas right??? and me loving bubble gum thought it would be awesome....well.....getting my tonsils removed was fucking took me forever to heal...I was constantly barfing up blood and ended up addicted to codeine...and now every time I smell bubble gum I get all panic attackey. The worst place is a gas station....I hate going into those....they have oodles and oodles of gum and I always end up all tense and freaked out....not because of the drunk homeless guy that tries to help me into my car for change or because of the local drug dealer on the pay phone....not even because of the pissy crack whore buying Redbulls and rolling papers with her EBT card who keeps giving me the look like she wants to shank me for the contents of my Miley Cyrus wallet...if she only knew that she has way more money on her card then I have in the's because while I'm standing there wating to purchase my very large fountain drink the teller and customer in front of me are having a super lengthy conversation in fricken Spanish...and all I can smell is the aroma of the bubble gum and I just KNOW there is some creepy doctor dressed like he's from the 1920's with rusty hacksaw waiting to drag me off into the shadows and perform some horrible, torturous surgery leaving me to bleed to death while he drives off in my mini van looking for my family...
See, told you it was odd....and now that I read it I feel a bit disturbed....I really should e-mail this to Dr. Phil...but he would just tell me that I can't let the pigs out of the pen if I can't skip the ducks across the pond...or some stupid shit like I guess I will just pack some pepper spray and take some krav maga classes. Wish me luck....Peace Out.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Keeper Of The Cubes....

My ice maker is obviously a least is has the schedule of one. Most of the time it's awesome....does nothing but put out....and then's off duty for a week. WTF....really and its always when I really really need it too...I could always make ice by myself but we all know it's just not the same and never enough...who has room for the trays anyways....between the booze bottles and popsicles there is no where to put them....stupid. We have looked and looked and just can not figure out why the damn thing decides to shut off but the only answer seems to be is that it's a moody bitch. For some reason...if you go and purchase a bag of ice it gets jealous and starts working again...hmmmm....I guess it could be could be a man....that would be awful....cubes stuck to the top of freezer that taste like thank you. Peace Out!

What They Didn't Teach In Driver's Ed...

I think back and remember all the not so nice things I have done to people over the years....and for most of them I feel a little bit bad...and there are a few moments I really wish I could take back....but anything that involves road rage...I feel perfectly ok about. I am so sick of asshole is my public service announcement for all you young assfucks out there that think its perfectly ok to "drive" around like its ok to treat other drivers like they are inferior....especially those you who are shitty to mini van see the majority of mini van drivers are moms or dads and chances are those parents are sleep deprived, haven't had a shower and woke up to the dog sifting through the garbage and you just cut them off....guess what??? That was a bad are now the straw that broke the camels put their children in danger, you were rude and now you unleashed a world of shit....parents do not put up with outside bs....we already deal with Sharpie on the walls, gum in the hair, jumping on the bed and broken...well now there is no more tolerance left for the 22 year old Jersey Shore wanna be that is driving like a demon on the way to tanning salon. We are going get you...and you should know it's going to be bad....parents are not afraid of push and 8lb screaming child out of your vagina (or even see it happen), clean up boogers, poop, vomit etc. from places that God did not intend us to see and tell me that you and your used crappy 3 series BMW will be a match for me and my wrath. So the next time you think about taking my turn at the stop sign....remember....I will find you...plant drugs and porn in your trunk and call your tag in....If I haven't just decided yank you from your vehicle through the windshield by your hair and strangle you with the seat belt.....while all the other parent drivers help hide your car in the bottom of a river. Well...gotta go....I need to head to Walmart....this should be interesting...we know all the pleasant sophisticates stroll around there... Peace Out.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

I'd Give You My Last Glass Of Wine....

If you looked at my friend list you would notice that I surround myself with a wide variety of people....which makes me feel better about myself...I always feel so ridiculously opinionated that I was beginning to think I was a huge turd. But considering the people I consider my friends and the fact that I can point out things I love and admire about all of them I think there is hope that I am not a giant asshole. I have single moms, single dads, clergy, child free, super educated, creative, rednecks, young folk, several races and religions, gay, straight, slutty, animal lovers, sports freaks and the list goes on and on and on.....but what I really dig is that they all bring something to the table and are willing to share it with me...I learn from them all and I hope they know that I love them for it. I know people who would never spend time with someone like nails and boobs aren't fake (but I really want fake funbags) my cars are old (but paid for) I swear and tend to drink like a sailor.....I am what you call...white trash. But the people who snub me can suck it....I have an army of friends who are not close minded dipshits and deserve my prayers(yes I pray) and concern. I will never understand why they put up with me and all my craziness but I'm glad they do.
So... this is one of the very few warm and fuzzy posts...I prefer my borderline psychotic rants but just in case one of my homies needed to hear me say that they matter...because we all have days like that....I thought I would put it out there for them to see. Now I need to go out in the world and get pissed off about something....I hate this mushy shit. Peace Out.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Sing A Song For Me

So this morning my very talented toddler was strumming on her pink princess guitar and singing, the tar (meaning guitar) the tar goes ting ting ting the tar the tar goes woo woo woo. Now I don't know about you but I'm pretty darn sure she is a future Grammy award winner...and she better take me as her guest to the Grammys... after all I bought that guitar and I have always wanted to go to an awards show! If she doesn't take me I'm not going to feelings will be hurt and I will just have to write a book about her called, My Turdy Daughter Didn't Take Me To The Grammy Awards...which will be a best seller, be turned into a sit com (probly on FOX) which I will be begged to be a writer on and BOOM I win an Emmy. Guess who I take as my date to the Emmy Awards??? Duh my daughter who snubbed me....the talk shows will eat it up....however I will be wearing a full length black gown, long sleeves and high neck with her name written all over it in red swarovski crystals....which will land me on some horrible show that Joan Rivers will still be hosting due to her deal with devil, and I will be all over the E! channel as worst dressed....but I am totally ok with that because for every second they are talking about my dress they are not talking about that annoying Kim Kardashian! I just hope my sex tape doesn't get out....well better go....I need to go drop 100 pounds and make a sex tape...Peace Out!

Put Your Drinks Up....

Don't you hate when you decide to try a new food or drink thinking it's going to be awesome and it ends up being wicked gross? I like to purchase those drink mix thingys that are single serve packets because plain water is just...well....plain. I usually get raspberry, fruit punch and some sort of mandarin green tea but to mix things up a bit I decided to get this dragon fruit had a pretty picture....sounded exotic and I was super excited for it but it ended up tasting like cat food. I should have known better...anything with the word dragon in it should be a warning. Since when does dragon mean good?? However I am considering changing the buzzword, ninja to dragon....(that's for you Micah) anyhoo....back to my drink....this dragon fruit could have potential if I mixed it with tequila and lime but then I wouldn't make it to parent pick up without getting arrested so I think I will just throw the shit out or donate it to a witch for her potions. I am all for trying new things but I will be more careful of the names....they say don't judge a book by it's cover but they never said anything about beverages! Well, gotta go...there is a sale on Crystal Lite at Target...gotta beat all those skinny bitches in their spandex capri pants to it...Peace Out!