I Only Bruised My Ego & Elbow & Leg & Hip Etc...

I'm sure I have mentioned from time to time that I am a major clutz....like big time. You know how that freak Teri Hatcher was always falling in bushes and stuff on Desperate Housewives??? Yea....I make her look like a ballerina.....just in the last 48 hours I have gotten my foot stuck in my own pants causing me to fall into the baby gate which resulted in my landing on a plastic princess dress up shoe with my neck. Later that evening I was crossing over the same gate and I stepped on my cat's head....so me not wanting to kill him I just dropped....but that meant my girly bits took a direct smack onto the baby gate....I really don't need the use of my vagina right????
But it gets better....the next evening we had lots of freezing rain and since I didn't want my hubby to fall and die the next morning on his way to work I decided to go toss some salt down....however I only got has far as the second step and BOOM down I went....landing somehow on my knee, toosh and big toe...not to mention my hands got all ripped trying to save myself from death....so there I was laying in the rain on the ice...screaming for my husband to come help me....but he didn't hear me so I had to drag my fat broken ass into the house....I was bruised and bloody within seconds.....awesome. Well the salting would have been a stupid effort anyways because we woke up to like 4 inches of heavy wet snow....my hubbs shoveled before he left for work but since more fell I decided I would go and do it again.....I did pretty good...only slipped twice but as I was trying to scoop some snow off the stairs I hit my foot with the shovel....OH MY GOD....it hurt and the of coarse I slipped and fell on my face. To add insult to injury some super sweet asstard honked at me.....thanks buddy.
My Grandmother always joked about just wrapping me in cotton and keeping me locked in my room....I'm starting to think she was brilliant.
Well better go....for some reason I am going to take the kiddos out to play in the snow....but first I need to order one of those life alert things....Help I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up! Peace Out.