Sunday, November 27, 2011

Happy Happy Joy Joy...Not So Much

Ever have a bad person day?? A day when you are unusually shitty? I am kind of dickhead most of the time but even I have super crap this morning. I ran (drove....not fat ass hasn't moved faster then a slight jog in 6 years) to a store to grab some pull ups and a few things for I am strolling along, looking at the cute stuff in the girls department I step on my own foot....not just a little I slammed down on my right foot like it was a fucking cockroach!!!! It hurt really really bad and I yelped out in pain....however...instead of saying something like OUCH....I screamed, SON OF A FUCK!!!! was loud and awful....but that wasn't the really bad part. As I was trying to compose myself some little snarky girl decided to tell me that I said a bad word....and since I was already a little aggravated I sort of told her "yes, yes I did and you know what else?? Santa hates prissy little shits." .... her mom gasped, grabbed her daughter and walked off...which was great because I fully deserved an ass least I got to continue my shopping without a bloody nose....
Then what I hate the most happened...bad customer service...the cashier decided to talk to her loser boyfriend the entire time I was at the in retaliation once she was done I told her that I did not want paper bags and that she need to rebag them. She looked at me like a was the biggest bitch in the I mentioned to the lady behind me that if she had been doing her job instead of mingling with the scumbag next to her I would have been able to relay that information sooner. So she switched the bags out and in a sarcastic tone told me to have a nice day....I smiled....and told her "and you try not to breed". (I just know her idiot boyfriend in the pot leaf hoodie is still trying to figure out what that means) last not so nice thing on this shopping I am loading my things into the car some fucknut parks his car and turns on his blinker....I guess he wanted my spot....which was dumb because I was in the back of the lot...maybe it was sentimental or the fist place he whacked off to a Victoria's Secret catalogue or something....but it annoyed I finished unloading the cart...then returned the cart to cart holder thing....stopped and gave the still waiting douchebag a thumbs in my car...started to pull out then....pulled back in. Did this about 3 more times till he honked....that's when I shut the car out and told him suck my dick ( while making an awful gesture that I am not going to describe to you because it was not in anyway shape or form something anyone should ever do) He finally left. I did too....feeling oddly great....some days you just need to be a prick. I fully believe it keeps me from stabbing people in the kidney with an ice pick. Now, go be a shitface to just might be saving a life. Peace Out!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

We Gonna Party Like It's Your Birthday

So my teen is having a birthday in a few days and I've been running around buying her stuff and hiding it...keeping the smaller kids from finding it etc. I'm sitting here trying to figure out time to wrap all her crap up when it hit me....this is fucking bullshit...why am I giving this kid gifts??? What the hell did she do??? She's on this earth because I did something....why am I not getting the gifts???? I carried her for 9 months....heartburn....sore back....stretch marks only to deliver her in 20 min...and in that 20 minuets not only did I experience the most god awful pain the universe has to offer but I ruined my beautiful vagina....why am I giving her gifts for that???? That girl is only alive because I am waiting for her to get knocked up (someday like 38 years from now) so she can cry to me how her boobs hurt and she's gassy....hahahhahahahahahahahahaha that's right you until that day I think she should give ME presents on her thank me for not sticking her in the recycle bin.
Well....we all know that is never going to happen....and knowing her...she will adopt so she won't ruin her in the mean time I gotta run to Target and get wrapping paper....that she won't notice or realize I put time, thought and money into untill the glorious day she has kids....I can't fucking wait. Peace Out!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Here..Let Me Help You Get That Stick Out Of Your Butt

I hate uptight people....ok...that's not nice...but I strongly dislike them. I understand that there are some people who are always going to be a big ball of constipation but I firmly believe that most people just need to fart (figuratively and literally) and try to let go.

I also believe that certain people in certain professions and areas of life need to get a sense of humor. If you are Clergy, law enforcement, a mother, a drive thru attendant or a gynecologists you need to not be a serious asshole all of the time.

Let's start with mothers....this should not even need to be said but if you have kids and can't see the funny in finding poop on the floor and not knowing where it came need to adopt out your happens....can we have rules, hard days and meltdowns??? For sure....but take off the pearls June C. and slip on some sweatpants....enjoy the ride.

Drive thru workers at any of my fast food places....I'm sorry you can't hear me very well over the screaming of my spawn that are demanding chocolate milk and chicken nuggets but getting pissy with me when I am obviously at my wits end is only going to get you pelted in the face with my empty Starbucks cup....oh and I e-mail corporate for good customer service and I make phone call for bad service so just laugh at the fact that my life at the moment is fucked up and throw in some extra ketchup.

Clergy, you want to help guide me and my family down a path of spiritual awesomeness and have me reveal my deep dark secrets....yet you can't find humor or leeway in my fully dysfunctional one wants to be sinking ship full of crap but life fucks up....get off your high horse and be my friend....not a dick.

Law enforcement....I get it....lots of assholes out there...but when you pull me over and you see that I have mismatched flip flops on in winter and a sucker in my hair can you just drop the tone and hand me my ticket???? I am already having bad day...BTW I do appreciate you...

Gynos....ok this is my least fav thing to do. I do not look forward to going into your office once a year for my...make sure I don't have cancer or an alien baby growing in my lady place checkup. Then you to ask all sorts of questions like am I a whore, have I banged a chick, do I do meth etc etc followed by you to then shoving a cold evil toucan like instrument in my tunnel of love and stab at it with a cotton swab the size of Oregon! So when you sit there asking...are you sexually active...and I reply....only every other need to fucking laugh god damn it!!!!! I am in a paper gown that is too small...I cut my whoo hah trying to trim it up and now we are about to have you go in wrist deep (I don't even let my husband do that) and you can't have a sense of humor to lighten the tension???? I'm going to start going in drunk from now on....see how you like me then you snotty bitch.

Ok I need to go calm down...that one got me a little perturbed....I'm gonna go put on my sushi costume from Halloween and strike up some conversation with some old folks at the library. Have a great day...remember to laugh a little...even if it's at me. Peace Out!