Thursday, September 29, 2011

New Meaning To American Pickers

So you know that feeling when you're asleep but you sense someone standing next to you?? I had that the other day and I was sure it was a normally I would jump and yell but for some reason I decided to just peek open one eye and get a quick glimpse of the culprit (I figured it was my first husband) but now instead I find my child standing there with her finger in my top it off the finger had a giant booger on it....after my heart slowed down and I realized that I was not getting chopped into pieces I asked her..."um, whatcha doing sweetie??" She replied...."I want a Capri Sun and to show you this huge booger I found in my nose"! I layed there for a second and decided that this is probably not going to be the grossest moment of my day....told her to go wipe her extraordinary booger off of her finger and I would go get her a drink. I head off to the kitchen only to realize no on had let the dogs out so I swing the doors wide open and shove them out....taking a moment to bask in what seems to be a lovely day....but then I notice my annoying neighbor staring at me as she is sweeping her sidewalk for what I bet is the already the 3rd time today....she kind of has a look on her face like...what on earth???...I look down at myself to see that yes....I'm a crazy hot mess...I am wearing my husbands underwear and an old, very holey god I am a vision. I know she must think that I do drugs and since I have had no coffee yet my inner thoughts and what really is going on are not distinguishable and I yell out....I DON'T DO DRUGS! Between being embarrassed about my attire and my new found Turrets Syndrome I quickly turn to go into the house but the god damn screen door decides to slam against my ankle causing me to fall and swear very loudly....something like....slutty ho bag skank...which I realize all mean pretty much the same thing...but it was early...what do you want from me???? So now I'm just laying there on my kitchen floor....trying to gather my composure and all I can do is wonder when was the last time I mopped this area....feeling yucky and sorry for myself I start to sit up and my hubby calls....(yes I almost always have my cell in hand...what if I get a FB notification or something?????) As we talk for a few seconds I decide to redo my ponytail/messy bun thing that I always sport and I find a gummy bear in my mother fucking hair....seriously????? I pull it out and toss it at the garbage can...miss....go figure....then I realize my husband is talking all this moment in time it would be less nasty for him to bang a toothless prostitute lol. We hang up and I close my eyes, take a deep breath and think...If I could just have 5 minuets of peace and a quick shower....I will be ok.....I open my eyes to find my child standing there with her finger in my face saying...."I found another booger mom...where is my Capri Sun?"....and that was just the first 4 minuets of my day. Gotta go....I'm giving a lecture on Digging For Gold Etiquette and then finding some clothes that look a little less meth addict and a bit more...well anything else. Peace Out!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Look What I Made!!!!

Wicked Lens imaging - photographer,Darryl Sposato - model, hair/makeup/fx - Nicole Werner, & Lucky me I got to make the wardrobe for this awesome set of people!!!! Thanks to my talented friend Nicole (the makeup artist) for giving me the opportunity!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

A Star Waiting To Shine

Not so long ago I was told that being a mother was how I defined myself....I was don't get me wrong I love my children and yes they take up almost all of my life right now and in ways always will but it's not how I define myself. I hate when people who do not know me at all think I have nothing else going on in my brain other than diapers and and fruit snacks. Have I lost a little bit of what I thought I would be? yea but hey when I was 10 I thought I was going to be a things change...big deal. Other than being a mom I happen to be a wife...a wife that sucks at cooking, hates folding laundry and forces my husband to watch Project Runway but I have my cool moments too..those might be few and far between but I know I have them!
I am a friend....maybe not a great friend...I tend to be a bit catty, jealous and bitchy... but I think that if I got hit by a bus that at least 4 people would be really sad.
I am sort of creative....I like to write, craft, sew and just be a silly shit....the things that pop into my head may be a little weird but I am very rarely boring....I like having is full of serious moments, hard times and bad things....I just don't believe that there is no room for laughter in between all of that.
I also have goals....I really want to be on Dancing With The Stars.....yes I know to be on that show you should be "famous"....I'm still working on that's a lot harder then I thought....I am good at being infamous....but the famous part is more difficult then I thought. I just don't get how the Kardashians are celebs but I am not....I refuse to get ass implants and have a porn tape just to be a B list celebrity....wait...I am willing to get the ass implants....but the porn is one wants to see that....not even me...bleh. So my hope is that somewhere I get to save someone's someone tries to rob Steven Tyler and I come up out of nowhere and get all MMA on their ass....Steven takes me to dinner to thank me....he decides I am awesome and blogs about think you know I am doing a few talk shows....the world falls in love with me....I get my own show on FX or HBO and then I am asked to be on Dancing With The Stars. This is also how I lose all my weight and get asked to pose in Playboy...which I turn down even though I am so flattered.....did I mention my Emmy????
Ok enough about me and my bigger picture...I gotta go find my daughter's dance shoes and make a list for the store...can't forget the Capri Suns! Don't be jealous of my future glamour.....I won't forget the people that got me there and I for sure won't forget the bitch that told me being a mom is all I am.....I will send her a gift basket of dirty diapers and an autograph Dear Asshole, Suck On This. Love Always, ME! Peace Out!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbors Wood

You know you have a problem when you steal from your own I'm not talking about drugs.....yes drugs are a problem just not my problem...I'm talking about crafts. I am a craft head....ha ha get??? like crack head but crafts....not funny? Ok..on to my story....
Last night I hit a new low in my quest for craft supplies.... We were invited over to a friends house for the first time and they live in the most beautiful area, great house, surrounded by trees and that's where I stopped of late I have needed twigs and branches for craft projects and I do not have any while outside of my friend's home I started wandering around looking for branches on the ground to take....however they clean their yard and I could not find any....I got to the front of their home and found this awesome birch tree...I shook the tree, nothing fell....I kicked the tree, nothing fell so I jumped up and grabbed a branch....totally not expecting to break off I didn't brace myself and to my surprise the branch snapped right off and came falling down to the ground....and so did my ass....quickly trying to recover before my friends decide to come find me I shot up to my feet only to hear their neighbor across the street chuckling at me :/ ......that wasn't the worst I had to get into my mini van. I open the back door and hastily started to shove it in...but it caught on my stroller and stabbed me in my boob!!!! Now I'm holding my wounded funbag and yelping out cuss words only to once again hear the neighbor chuckle at me....I finally get the lengthy branch in my vehicle and head inside.....realizing the easily humored neighbor would tell them what I did I decided to fess up....luckily they found it funny and didn't ask me to leave. However if I do ever get invited back I am bringing some gardening gloves and a saw! Well better go... I'm off to make some masterpieces with my stolen wood....let's hope getting it out of my van is easier then it was getting it in! Peace Out!