What Not To Wear...Ever....

So...I took my teen shopping the other day...some back to school stuff and some special event stuff. After hours of dressing room waiting and some really bad cheese fries I decide to pop into Macy's and buy myself something cute....but after seeing what they have decided is fashionable for fattys right now I decided that the buyer for Macy's is a fucking nutcase! Um...did you know that PONCHOS are suppose to be super hot right now??? Really??? Fat people are now so worthless you can't even sew clothes for us? You just wrap me in an eighty dollar tarp and call it a day? No one ever says Hey...look at that hot bitch in the poncho...its more like....Hey look at that tent coming at us! ... Ponchos are not a good idea people...its like putting a Kleenex on a dog turd and saying it's an accessory....
I think designers are making fun of us....you know what else I saw? Backless blouses....stupid fuck...yea everyone wants to see my back fat rolls and my bra....we chunky chicks cannot go sans bra or our gross boobies will come tumbling down and out the bottom of out shirts...well not straight down...like down and to the side...it's just not pretty... and trying to pack all that shit into a backless shirt wouldn't be either....
...and what is with the teeny tiny jackets?? I know it's all the rage for the size negative 2 crowd but um...the rest of us look like idiots...as if my chunk isn't spilling out all over the place as it is you want me to put on a jacket that is too small to emphasize it?? It's fucked up that my options are a child's size coat or a poncho.....me thinks that designers be smoking toooo much whacky cracky.....
Oh...and stop putting these clothes on" plus size models"....they consider a size 10 with a big ass plus size which means it does not translate to a size 24! Go find real fat people...there are plenty of us.....oh...why is the plus size section so small???? There are more chubby chicas willing to pay to for cute clothes and yet in a 3 story department store we get all of 5 racks....this makes no sense....
I give up....I'm destined to wear sweatpants and spanx everywhere I go....it's as sad as the boring salad I will be eating for dinner...in a small effort to see my waistline again. Thank God I'm pretty....I feel for the fat girls who have unfortunate faces....ok....totally kidding....we are all pretty with the lights off! Peace Out!

Forever Foiled

More venting...healthy eating sucks dick. A few of my currently dieting friends are so much better at the happy outlook of the lifestyle change....but me..no so much....I still hate water and every time I drink a glass of it I am convinced a sweet little bunny dies....and I still eat like a lot but like I said I am trying to replace my normal snacks with better for me options....and it is still feels like a kick in the ear. Like today I made a batch of cookie dough for my kids to cut a and decorate...and it said chill for at least one hour....ok...well I let it chill for 3 fucking hours and guess what...when I got it out of the fridge it was too sticky to work with (did I mention that I am unable to cook or bake?) and I felt all pissed off and defeated....now normally I would have just covered the cookie dough in chocolate syrup and eaten it all with a big wooden spoon while watching Sweet Home Alabama...but instead I broke out one of my fat free, low cal yogurts....woo hoo...much better choice right? Um...no! I was dying for some delish stress relief and instead...well....I ripped the lid off and went to lick the little dollop stuck to the bottom of it (cuz that's the best part) and.....I cut my tongue on the foil :( .... really???? was that necessary???
So now I'm pissed, injured and sad...I feel like an abused pet....I just wanna say fuck it, drink a bottle of gin, smoke a pack of Capri ultra lights and get into a bar fight. But...instead I'm chewing gum and getting my laundry off the line....it's equally pathetic to what I'd rather be doing but the chance of getting arrested is slightly less...I say slightly cuz of all the cursing and kicking of laundry baskets around the yard.....so....does anyone know if lipo is cheaper in Mexico???? Peace out!

Banana Blue Balls

Dieting....it's something I have tried on and off since my 5th grade year...but it wasn't until my 20s that I had to shop in special sections of the store and not till this last year (in my very early 30s) that I now have to shop at special stores....so after noticing that my very forgiving yoga pants were no longer giving... I decided to try the diet thing again....but this time instead of saying I can't have food I am just going to replace it with healthier options....you see I am an emotional eater....not a stress eater...and emotional one...so every emotion...happy, sad, pissed, horny etc etc etc....that's a lot of cupcakes and brownies....but my number one love is cake!
I have been on this new diet all of one day and I already hate it..get this shit....I found yet another area in the house that needs major fixing and I got all frustrated/upset and wanted nothing more than to face fuck a giant marble cake with buttercream frosting....but no...I grabbed a banana...yea me right? errr....not so much....I peel it..sink to the floor and devour it...and was left feeling like a teenage girl in the back of car who just gave her boyfriend a handjob...23 seconds of whacking and left with nothing but a mess in my hand and my bra still on....it was soooo unsatisfying and lame...Now I'm even more upset...so I took to reading blogs about what to do...and some stupid bitch was all like...instead of eating a whole box of cookies just eat a half of a cookie....really?? A half of a cookie...that's like giving a half of a blow job...it's doesn't get the job done...it just teases the fuck out of you and leaves you ready to die!
Another blog said instead of eating the snack try doing something active in the amount of time it would have taken you to eat the snack....ok...I like it....not a long commitment to exercise...cuz I hate that crap and maybe just maybe it will work....hmmm...not so much...I was watching a show with the kids and that horrible commercial with the abused pets comes on...and they are just looking at you with those big,sad eyes like save me....I get all sad and head to the kitchen...then remembering I was suppose to do something active I panicked and tried to do jumping jacks....well...I flailed like and idiot for half a second and accidentally kicked my dog...which caused her and me to yelp plus the bounce made a frying pan fall off the dish rack and hit me in my ass....ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????? ......................Once again there I am...on the kitchen floor...frying pan in one hand....banana in the other...crying and wondering if lipo is cheaper in Mexico....Peace Out.