Monday, May 30, 2011

Should Have Bought A Condo.....

I have a new fetish....popping weeds out of my lawn...and since my yard has more dandelions than a 13 year old boy has pimples I spend more time face down, ass up then all of 50 Cent's ho's combined. My neighbors are really stoked....not only do they get to watch my huge middle aged ass bob up and down like a giant whack an ass game..but I'm taming the shrew that is my yard.....Oh who fucking knew that grass seed was so damn expensive????? Are you shitting me???? I bought some to fill in the hole from the 853 weeds I have already plucked from my overly taxed piece of earth and was shocked at how much having grass is to cost me.....I might just say fuck it.....that's retarded....the kid's need milk ya awful to charge that much for some damn grass....I should just pave the bitch and be done with it. However for some reason I find snatching the unruly weeds very cathartic.....maybe it's replacing cigarettes....ooohhhh I would really like a cigarette (Capri Ultra light with the pink stripe on the box....yum)....what will I do when I finally get all these things gone????? I guess I could sneak into the next door neighbors yard and get theirs......I'm sure I will end up getting arrested for trespassing and then the arresting officer will laugh at me....I could find another outdoor hobby....I've always wanted a pressure washer....I doubt I could get into too much trouble with've met me......well...wish me luck and remember...when it comes to weeds....just say no....or something like that...Peace Out!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

~Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891

Monday, May 23, 2011

You're Cooler Than Me....

Most days my kids drive me straight to the funny farm....but I gotta say....even with all the crazy crap they come up with I would still rather be with them instead of most adults. Grown ups are assholes....almost all of them....even I am guilty of being a douche from time to time....I know you are beyond shocked but it's true...Normally I'm such a sweet and gentle person but yes...I have my moments (like every 17 minuets)...I think I should just never leave the house or check my Facebook because there is always at least one jerkoff that will set me off....usually it's some dick I am suppose to be friends with but I'm really not... but now because we are all grown up and mature we should be nice to each other....except they are fuckfaces and anytime I try to be nice they blow me off so I wonder why I bother...or it's the uptight bitch with cheap shoes and an expensive suit at the grocery store that I am trying to warn not to step into the puddle of something that fell but when I get her attention she says something shitty was probly someone with kids (as my kids are with me) so then I explain that next time I won't bother warning her....since some pickle juice won't hurt her crappy pleather boots.
So to keep me from turning into a mass murderer I spend most of my time basking in the kingdom I have created that consists of me & the them I am THE SHIT! I mix my cereal (fruity pebbles & apple jacks), I paint their nails, we play extreme peek a boo, I dress up the cat and make him dance to Lady Gaga, we make crafts with glitter and we watch their fav movies over and over again (thank god I like kid movies) to them I effin rock I'm like Snoop Dog....everything I do is awesome .....except when it's time for naps and I say no to the third Popsicle....but for the most part we are the best of homies....I have no idea what I will do when they reach teen years and they realize I am not cool at all...I already have a child that has hit this stage in life and it sucks balls....I'm cool if I'm buying eyeliner or watching Jersey Shore but other than that I'm a life ruin-er or totally lame....too bad for her...ya get more flies (or tubes of mascara) with honey than telling Mommy what a dork she for now the little ones get spoiled and we have for the grown ups (a.k.a. bitches) they can all suck my dick....I'm sure they are having the best time being snotty and pretending they are super happy....but I get to wear a macaroni tiara and do the hokey pokey....and I wouldn't trade it for the "Likes" on Facebook....Peace Out!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Hope You Stocked Up On First Aid Kits....You Will Need Them

So there is this new show on TLC called Extreme Couponing.....and it's making my life a living hell. Now every time I go to a store....any damn store...Target, Walmart, CVS etc etc there is some white trash asshole with her carts full of shit she doesn't need and her piles of coupons. Why do you need 17 nail clippers????? and why on earth can you not just sit on your front porch drinking Budweiser like the rest of depressed lower middle class??? I ran into the store for bread, clear nail polish & a pack of gum and got stuck behind your fucking ass trying out your new hobby of getting something for nothing......isn't that what you use to complain about with mothers on food stamps and illegal aliens getting medical benefits but just because you used a scissor and swiped 4 extra Sunday papers it's ok for you to do it???? Don't get me wrong I like my Kohl's cash and BOGO offers but I'm not out to stock pile generic lip balm in my garage for some great chapped lip!!!!! And lord help you if I go to buy something I really need and use like Clorox wipes and find the shelf will get knock your cart over, smack your coupons out of your hand and beat you with my diaper bag ugly....stop being such a selfish asshole and stop going into the 20 items or less lane....or I will hit you in the ankle with my shopping cart....several times. Peace Out!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Put Away Wet.....

No one ever tells you the bad things about sex....well they do...but I'm not talking about disease or unplanned pregnancy etc...I mean the other stuff....having sex is like fighting a go busting in...hose it down...and feel like a fucking superhero when its over....but what no one tells you about is after the fire is gotta clean the mess fun...and for women overhaul takes a lot get to rinse off their junk in the sink and put a towel over the wet spot...women clean up for the time being and then wake up to my least favorite thing ....SPERM PANTIES....yea...wet, sticky sperm panties...I don't care how much decontamination I do....there is always a reminder of the 5 alarm I took care of the night before. Now I know there are a few ways to avoid this ....obvious one....don't have sex....but I think my husband would last a week before he died....second....use a condom...but as a married woman on birth control...that's kind of retarded and no fun...everyone knows you can't be riding dirty with your seat belt on!!!! Third method....pull out...(also known as the ding dong ditch) but we know most men are really bad at this and it only maybe works if they are on top in some way shape or form....this technique can also lead to a freshly flung scrotum shake landing in unexpected places....which is very hard to explain later....and as we all know most men have bad timing so it's just not that effective and you are better off just getting butter in the bagel.
I decided there had to be a simple solution to my unnerving I tried using a panty liner...brilliant right?...uh not so much...I guess the semen was to thick for the liner to soak up and it ended up staying on top of the liner....and then it stuck to me like a Biore pore strip...nothing like a little hair removal first thing in the then I tried a regular pad...same sorta really didn't soak all of it up and instead it sort of acted like a funnel and I ended up with a pool of boy juice at the top of my a last resort I tried toilet paper........paper mache much???....So I guess after all that the sperm panties are not so bad....but from time to time when I know I really just don't want to wake up to some damp delicates...I fake some cramps and give him a porno worthy BJ...problem solved. Peace Out!