Thursday, February 24, 2011

For Better Or Worse...Way Worse

Ugh... so I was reading some article about getting married and the top reasons people want to be hitched. It was all mushy, dumb being with someone who holds their soul and feeling true love every moment of every day blah blah you want to know REAL reasons why being married is awesome? I got we go:
#1 Comfort....I no longer have to wear things that cut off circulation, pinch or cause my bones to bruise .....I can wear my torn jeans and old sweats.....oh and the bra that makes the girls look amazing but cracks my ribs is now reserved for when I want something expensive. Oh and legs can look like an alpaca and he's still willing to spoon with me.
#2 Honesty....I don't have to pretend all the jokes are funny or that all his family is I can be like...Hey your bitch sister isn't coming for Christmas! It's so much easier to be a loving wife when I don't waste energy being nice to the in-laws.
#3 Eating....ok this is not really an issue for me after the first date....if I can't eat chicken wings and drink several beers in front of someone then they just can't be in my life....but I know lots of dumb bitches that refuse to eat messy foods in front of you can wrap your mouth around his dick but you won't eat some chili dogs....get some therapy!
#4 Health....I can fart....
And the fifth reason why being hitched is better than dating not because it gets better after marriage...but because I no longer have to bring my A game to every match....I can be lazy or I can leave a few tricks in the bag.....let's face it after a long day and a big meal we don't always want to be a full on porn star....sometimes it's just a get on, get off, get some sleep sort of night......which by the way just makes the nights when you do go all the way to Freaky Town that much sweeter. that you know some to day reasons why being married is great...the one question you need to ask yourself is.....will you be able to ask for toilet paper while dropping a deuce....I know have no problem..I leave the door wide open and yell....Help or I'm using your socks! It may not be romantic but he still wants to shag me later so I know it's love. Peace out!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I See London.....

You know how life sometimes gets away from you? Like one week everything is fine and you have your routine down but then out of the blue a kid is sick and a car is broke down and the next thing you know everything else is out of control? Well this happens to me all the time....I feel the more children, pets and vehicles you have the chances of your living a smooth life are greatly diminished. My life is almost always one big hot mess....however I am usually pretty good at treading water but not so long ago I had a little bit of a wake up call...and I was told loud and clear to never let the laundry be last on you list. had gotten so bad that I was pretty much out of underpants and I was forced to dig to the back corner of my unmentionables drawer and find the sexy, lacy, gonna get me some thongs...yikes. I have not attempted wearing these in like 3 years......and at first I was sort of excited to prance around in them thinking oohhh I might feel a little extra naughty today....but by the time I got downstairs and out the door I was unhappy....I have been pregnant twice since their last appearance and well...lets just say they don't fit the same way anymore. It was like trying to smoke a cigarette after years of sounds wonderful and you can't wait for that first drag but then you find your self choking to death and wondering what the fuck you were thinking.....except in my case the circulation to my left ass cheek was cut off and my fat roll fell over the front of them making them feel and look like an expensive purple tourniquet.....not all....not even a little...the only thing less sexy was the very deep very red imprint they left across the top of my stretch marks when I finally got to peel them off of about unleashing the Kraken! I need to send them to a war camp as a torture device. Trust me a day in those God awful things and we will know exactly where Bin Laden is located. So just to be sure that I will never ever ever ever be forced to don those evil, pain inflicting knickers again...I tossed them in the diaper bucket....I will stick to my granny style undies....which bye the way I am renaming Mommy Panties cuz my grandmother didn't wear that kind...hers were like an early form of helped keep her hernia in place....smoking hot I know. How she wasn't knocking moccasins with Grandpa all the time is beyond me ;) Well I'm off...gotta get some fabric softener....don't even get me started on how cardboard stiff panties are not a girls best friend. Peace Out!