Saturday, June 19, 2010
The other day we went to drop off my teen at the mall with her friend.....then the rest of the fam and I decided to run some errands...after a long hot afternoon our last stop was Lowe's .....with the baby asleep and the toddler in a good mood I decided to wait in the car with the kids and just let the hubs run in....I guess somewhere between singing some Lady Gaga and Patty Cake I noticed my boobs were askew so I dove into the front of my pink t-shirt and started adjusting my bazoombas....with the fun bags in place I start pulling my arms out and look up to find a little old lady staring at me. Now realizing how weird this must have looked I decided to just continue to creep her out and instead of a friendly smile or just ignoring her I quickly whipped both my hands out and placed them up to face and then deeply inhaled......like it was fine wine or perhaps some sexy cologne on my hubby's neck. I took a quick peek at the old lady to find her with her hands over her mouth and a look of fright on her face....aaahhhhhh.....gotta love it! To top it off I licked my finger tip as if it were covered with sugar....this made my crypt keeper observer flee.....ha ha ha ha ha.....it doesn't get any sweeter than that....but the whole ordeal reminded me of time I was once again waiting in the car and noticed a cabby parked under a tree....he was bopping his head to some music and all of a sudden he friggen pulled out his dentures and started looking at them! He had this odd look as if something were wrong (at this point it could have been anything) and then....he licked them!!!!!! OMFG He licked his fucking false teeth...like a giant Popsicle!!!!! Gag me with a damn spoon! I squealed like a small child and covered my eyes....when I look up he had replaced his teeth and had gone back to rocking out with the radio.....I will forever be leery of cab drivers....as if I didn't think they were odd enough......I have seen The Bone Collector! Well homies better go...I'm going to CVS I hear they have a 2 for 1 on floss. Peace out!
Friday, June 4, 2010
....When you have a handful of kids...two of which are under the age of 3 and insist on sleeping with you....it really does not leave a lot of extra time for nookie....however...last night I got lucky...ha get it?? It was like 1AM and both little ones were actually in their own beds...woot woot....time for some sweet sweet hurry up quietly before one of the babies wakes up naughty monkey love.....and it was just the way I like it....me go twice and then finish him off!!!!....but....currently we are using the oh so brilliant pull out method....shut up don't judge me....my Mirena fell the fuck out and I can't remember to take the pill....so we are back to something I would never advise to any of my children.....in fact it's the reason one of my kids is even here....well...back to my story....I skamper off to the bathroom to clean up and I notice my teen is still awake....oh flippen hell...yea her bedroom door is open and TV is still on...wtf....she is never awake at this hour...so I quick grab a towel and run back to my room....I do a quick wipe down, throw my jammies back on and fall asleep. Around 3AM I have to pee....but I'm soooo tired....I try to ignore it but then I get afraid of pissing myself during a bad dream or something so I decide to just go tinkle and get it over with....I get in, shut the door and pull down my shorts....FFFFUUUUUCCCKKKK!!!!!!! Oh my god....did I just get a Brazilian wax???? Apparently I didn't get all the jizz off my bush before I put my panties on....and now I'm on my knees in the bathroom...face against the wall, tears in my eyes trying to not to scream......after I calm down and the pain has slightly decreased I crawl up onto the potty....I look down to see that my undies now look like a god damn Chia Pet! I don't even feel like dealing with them so I just take them off and throw them out.....they were ugly old grannies anyways...at least they went out with a bang....I go back to bed and make a few mental notes....get on some better birth control and first thing in the morning get the hedge clippers out and trim my vag! Well better go...I need to get an ice pack out of the freezer....my whoo hah is still throbbing....but.....not from the hair removal ;).....ya'll are jealous and you know it! Peace out!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
So I acquired this cat...and he's awesome....however... he has this quirk...if there is even one turd in his cat box he will no longer poop in it....so...still needing to crap he decides to go dump somewhere else...usually somewhere really awesome like next to my bed or in the sink....and at first this kinda pissed me off....till I realized that this is not abnormal at all because if I needed to go drop a deuce and someone had left a floater for me I would be highly annoyed!!!!! I too would find another place to unload my sha-doub...ya'll know what I mean...you go into the bathroom at Target or something and your Starbucks has just kicked in and you have to venti your mocha chino....you push open a stall door and BLAH a giant poop slurrie in the bowl....no effin thanks...so now you scoot two doors down and find some nasty whore left a tampon in that one....two doors down again and thank God a clean one....you skamper in to find the friggen door doesn't lock but your turtle head is about to see daylight so you decide drop trow and try to hold the door shut with your leg....that's when the fire typhoon comes blazing out of your ass along with a fart parade to the tune of 76 Trombones.....and at this point you could care the fuck less who hears because that whole mess could have been in let free your capri pants...the only thing that now separates me from the picky pussycat is he can shit on the rug by the front door and I can't....well that and I clean my butthole with extra soft toilet paper instead of my tongue....well gotta go....I'm gathering my pennies so I can purchase one of those self cleaning cat boxes that rakes the tootsie rolls up after each use....and perhaps one of those extend a hand gadgets to flush the potty for me if there are any unavailable clean potties next time I'm out and about to shit myself. Peace out!