Friday, February 19, 2010

Tea Is For Two & So Is The Horizontal Mambo!

I was reading an article in favorite magazine...Marie Claire...about a lady that agreed to a threesome for her husbands birthday. It explained why she did it and how she found someone, how it all went down and how it made her feel never explained why her husband was such a fucking prick. I know that lots of guys fantasize about having two women at once but if a married / committed man is really wanting and willing to do that then he's an asshole. I love my husband and thank God he is not into married sluttyness because I would beat his ass with a vacuum cleaner if he ever asked for a menage a trois.... What a horrible selfish thing to do...and don't think of me as some prude...I do have 3 kids and my vagina does all sorts of wonderful things....but I just don't think some other chick needs to find out what those things are while my man watches etc.....and I really don't play well with others to begin with....much less share my favorite toy (that would be my husband's penis)....maybe it's because I'm an only child...maybe it's because of my values (yes, I have a few of those)....but I think it's because...I'm not a nasty whore and I would prefer my husband to keep his dick to himself (well him and me). Not that a threesome would work well for us anyways...I think we would scare the girl off...come on think about it....she would have to sign some sort of waiver....first of hubby and I are on the fluffy side (meaning we are fat) so that's a lot of weight being thrown at one person....second...I'm like a piranha....I love to do some biting....I doubt she would like to explain the teeth marks on her face and arms....then there's always the chance that one of my 800 kids would come barreling through the door....can we say awkward????....did I mention the noises....yea...the first few times I banged my husband he scared the crap out of me with this growl like's a deep primal sound that now really turns me on but at first I thought I had just screwed a grizzly bear....and I well...I just make little noises....until the...OH GOD BABY and the OH YEA LIKE THAT...stuff comes out of my mouth at a really alarming volume...after all that she would need some therapy...and I am only going to be responsible for screwing up my children....not random idiots that agree to smash with married people....they are apparently all ready on the edge of sanity....I don't feel like pushing them off with my boobies. So I guess it's safe to say my marriage is closed to the public....well other then what I spill on the blog...and I like it that the rest of what you like...just remember....inviting someone into your bed not only welcomes doubts and fears but herpes and the clap...nothing says I love you like a trip to the free clinic! Peace out!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Ice Packs and Animal Crackers

Well my adorable yet slightly crazy toddler has been sick this week which makes her equilibrium even more off then usual. Even from the womb she's been labeled The Little Nutjob....and now that she had hit terrible twos...well...yea...the nickname fits....however I don't know if she will make it to see age 3 if she does not stop falling all the this kid will live to tell the tale of childhood is beyond me. My oldest child was never this nuts...uncoordinated yes... but not this whole Evil Knievel/ WWE things is just freaking me out! She has no rules (as far as she is concerned Mommy just says things to say them) and does not seem to care if something failed before...she's going to try it again... Just this week she face planted in an Old Navy trying to escape her little Monkey harness thing...which I swore I'd never use on my children....until I realized that my toddler was more like a rabid pit bull then a sweet dolly loving little girl. Then she decided to play let's grab Mommy's glasses and run and she smacked her face on the corner of cabinet.....a few hours later she fell off my bed...backwards no less while performing let's not let Mommy put my socks on....and then the grand finale was while watching her favorite show Hanna Montana... she was singing into a brush and spinning in circles and fell between her bed and a toy box....causing her ear to bust open and bleed and a small yet deep scratch on the other side of her head....what really got me was how she got up and finished the song before she started to cry....she's a true performer. Her spills and mishaps are the point where I think I will just make her wear a snowsuit and helmet at all times....and my fear is as time goes on she will get worse....have you ever seen a small child pick up a cat that weighs in at 25lbs and throw it over their head??? I have....stupid cat still comes back for more too...he loves her....(no worries the cat landed on the couch and is fine) but what will she get into as she gets older....maybe she will be in Strongman competitions and throw Volkswagens or something....I just hope her agility gets better....not that she has much hope....I too fall on a daily basis....usually doing something very difficult like putting on my underpants or trying to get into my truck....I have mad skills...more like mad cow skills but whatever. My husband is who I blame for my darling daughter's total lack of self preservation...he's done all sorts of stupid stuff in the name of fun...and now has the scars to prove it...awesome. Thank goodness I have great insurance. Well...gotta go...I hear Walmart is having a sale on band aids and neosporin...see ya in the waiting room of the ER...Peace out.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Cupid put the roses down!

It's that time of year again...Valentines....yep the time of year where you either feel great because you are in love or you feel like slitting your wrists because you are alone or with someone you don't love....I'm thrilled that I'm in a great marriage and will not be sitting at the bar wishing some random guy would buy me a drink and make feel desirable so that I don't have to go home and cry on the phone to my Grandmother and cat (yes, that has been done)....anywhoo...this time of year also drives me just flippen nuts...I really really hate all the commercials for jewelry and flowers and candy etc etc etc...don't get me wrong I like those things....and I love me some chocolate but dear Lord people....why oh why is it written in stone that I have to get a bracelet and a heart shaped box of chocolate covered crap?????? These things are not me...not at all....I think the boxed wine people need to make a Valentine version....that's right a bright red box of Sunset Blush and the Betty Crocker folks should have a heart shaped bowl of frosting that comes with a souvenir spoon. Instead of expensive earrings I would prefer some knock off sunglasses or perhaps a gift card for a tattoo...I also am not all about dinner reservations at some fancy steak about wings and beers at Hooters....I always always always am down for their fried pickles plus then I don't have to dress up...I can wear my favorite jeans and a Florida Gators sweatshirt....I love to be comfortable...I don't love to put my spanx on....bleh....who the hell wants to pry those off at the end of the night for some rolls busting out like a warm marshmallow....not the giant gasp of air I take when I can finally breath again...always makes for a romantic moment...I guess I prefer my white trash ways over pretending to be something I'm not and I can get a lot more buzzed by drinking cheap wine through a silly straw then I can sipping some silly overpriced "tini" .....
Well...gotta go...I'm headed to the store...going to pick up my husband's gifts...probably something wicked sexy like contact lens solution and a wrench. Peace out!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Dear Aunt Flow.....

Ah sadly my time off from being a monthly member of womanhood has come to an end...I gotta admit the best part of being pregnant is the whole not having a period thing....and now I'm back to reality....which I know I should have anticipated but I didn't and wasn't at all prepared I spent a whole day wondering why I felt awful and just plain pissy only to wake up the next to find the red tide had come in (here I thought it was because I ate to much pizza)....I had no supplies...not a one...luckily I knew my daughter did so I ran to her bathroom to steal some...after a few minuets of digging through her glittery makeup and what seemed to be a million bottles of hair product I finally found the tampons....SCORE! Till I held it up and realized it's one of those super small ultra skinny'm screwed again....I just gave birth to my 3rd child 8 weeks ago...there is no way in hell that little sliver of feminine product is going to work....I brought it with me anyways...and on my way back to my bathroom thought about grabbing the roll of paper towels....thinking that would be more my size...feeling sorry for myself I try to think of the positive things that having a large stretched out vagina possesses...I could store my blackberry in there..I could use it as a jello mold (oh god..just thought of that "There's always room for jello" line)....I could just have it removed and turn it into a ski hat...the possibilities are endless and really not all that wonderful...I'm now pretty much in woman wants a big cavernous whoo hah! Wwondering why I'm even bothering I insert the teeny tiny tampon...and guess fucking worked!!!!!!!!!!! That's right didnt' fall didn't get worked just fine! Woot Woot! I now realize I have a magic wonder I have so many kids ;) Well gotta go...I need to do more kegels....gotta keep the love tunnel in tip top shape....Peace Out.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

I should have had green eyes....

Am I the only exceptionally jealous person out there? I know it's a horrible really is and when other people get jealous I think they are acting stupid and yet I just can't help myself. It's not that I think my husband is going to do anything...I really don''s the idea of other women thinking of him that just pisses me off. People tell me I should be flattered etc...this I know...but I still just want to put a beat down on the whores that even get the idea of my husband in their coveting little minds. I go to extremes too....I admit it...I'm horrible...I have had MySpace fights with one of his exes....I have stalked his e-mail making sure no one has written anything inappropriate....I get pissy when he reminisces about high's a horrible horrible disease of mine. I was not excited to go to his high school reunion for fear some drunk bimbo would come up to me and tell me they dated or something....lucky for me that didn't happen...however I didn't go unscathed...3 drunk bimbos found out who I was and called me fat....which...I am...but at the time I was pregnant....oh well....the whole time wasn't a total loss I met one of his chick friends who is now one of my best friends and the Godmother to one of my I'm sure your wondering why I am not jealous of her....and for some reason I'm not...I don't get any vibe from her at all....which is weird cuz she's nice, funny and hot....but I'm glad we ended up friends....however the other three skanks best watch out....I'm no longer pregnant...and I am willing to chase them down and show them how this fat girl throws down...well more likely falls down on I will go eat some cake! Who am I trying to kid...we all know I'm not going to run after them...maybe walk briskly but my chubby butt isn't going to we all know a heifer in flip flops carrying a baby and holding onto a toddler is not going to get all that far anyways....maybe I could chuck a baby bottle at them...the stupid lushes would probably try to drink it....I hate sloppy drunk sluts....ok that's not entirely true either...I LOVE to watch Rock Of Love....maybe I should just start my own show...Po Dunk Drunk....then I could make them do stupid stuff and get paid for it....hmmmmm.....not a shabby idea....well...I've gotten way off track again...I was talking about my husbands awful exes and old flames....which I just know every night pine for him....he thinks they don't but I know they do....I would if we weren't together.....maybe I should just pee on him to mark my territory....then no one would touch him....but I probably wouldn't either.....I wish I had one of those flashy things from Men In Black so I could erase their memories of him from their brains.....or a baseball bat would work....I'm so awful....I know....I have gotten better over the years....not much but a little bit. It helps to focus on people that truly deserve my the asshole server that rolled her eyes at me when I asked for another Diet Coke....if you don't want to wait on me then don't be a fucking waitress! I wasn't even rude about it....but now all I want to do is hide in the shadows of the parking lot, clothesline her, toss her on a red ant pile and cover her in a Diet Coke...this is why God gave me so many children (other then the whole unprotected sex with my husband thing) it's so that I'm too busy to go out and get revenge on all the people that piss me off.....and by the time the kids are all grown up and gone and I finally have some time...I will be old, crippled and unable to do anything....oh least I can still leave snotty status updates on my Facebook....sigh... gotta go...diaper changing time then I'm going to read all of my hubby's text messages...why oh why do I torture myself like that???? Peace out.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Who knew blowing chunks could give so much insight...

Last night was one of my longer nights as a mother of an infant...for the most part her "witching hours" are from 9-12 however she decided on top of that she would wake up at 5am and barf all over me...she's such a giving little girl....then while I was changing she barfed on my bed...luckily just the comforter...and we had a know that old one you keep for when you have guests or to wrap around stuff when you's like from the 90's and you wonder why on earth you thought it was cool....anyways...after getting resettled in bed again guess what...she hurled on me again! Yep...puke city...I'm almost out of old t-shirts and wondering if I shouldn't just wear a garbage bag....well anyways I get changed again and she is still just cranky as there we sit in the very early morning and I'm patting her back and all of a sudden she shoots her arms and legs straight out and she lets loose this horrific fart...I don't know how it didn't blow her little ass right off....immediately after the toot heard around the world, she closed her eyes and went to sleep.....yep...just then I realized she is just like me....In my younger days of coming home from the bar after a bit too much to drink...puking and farting myself to wonder I never brought guys home with me...not pretty know I better check what's in that formula of hers...I thought Nestle made it but I'm beginning to wonder if it isn't Patron or Jim Beam....I thought about laying the baby down by the toilet with a pair of her shoes for a pillow...I know I always crashed there for about 6 hours after a barf fest...then I decided she was to small to wrap herself around the toilet in the fetal I put her next to my toddlers little potty chair....she fit perfect...lmao...just kidding I didn't do that....but I did look down at my now sleeping baby all sprawled out on my bed and realized she was wearing a Mommy's Little Rockstar onsie....and that's when I knew I don't have to worry about a college fund....just my lawyers retainer.....well I gotta go...I need to get all my shirts into the wash...just in case she needs to ralph on me some more later....Peace out.